We already listed 5 real life gay men you’d want with you if gay bashers ever attacked. But why not go all the way and wish for some imaginary friends with real power, even super powers! Here are 10 fictional gay guys who would make the hateful attackers wish they’d never crossed you.
1 and 2. Midnighter and Apollo
This married pair from comics tends to head most lists of “gay badasses” and there’s a reason for that – they are two of the badassiest gay men in fiction. They started in a group called Stormwatch but came to prominence as members of the Authority, a powerhouse superteam who do whatever it takes to achieve their goals.
Midnighter is a Batman analogue, if Batman was the ultimate slaying machine who can predict an opponent’s moves. And Apollo is an alternate Superman, with not quite as many powers as the Man of Steel but unlike him Apollo isn’t afraid to maim or kill. Gay bashers will tremble before this pair who’ve faced down global tyrants, “God” and even rape. A de-powered Apollo was sexually assaulted but Midnighter made the perpetrator pay. And by “pay” we mean he murderized the rapist.
Zip “Frantic” Davis is the super quick member of the animated superhero team The Awesomes. In the event of an attack he will most likely carry you to safe place or knock out the haters quicker than they can say “Faggot”. No killing for this guy, he’s a hero through and through. As his name implies, Frantic suffers from attention deficit disorder, and also intelligence deficit disorder – he’s not very smart. But when you have super speed you can afford to think a little more slowly than the others. Plus he’s loyal and upbeat, a sweet guy who won’t leave your side, no matter how terrible things get.
4. Sam Adama
Sam Adama is an enforcer from the Caprica TV show, one who likes to fight with twin knives and isn’t afraid of getting himself bloody. He becomes a captain in the Ha’la’tha, a criminal organization that operates on the planet Caprica. However, the Ha’la’tha began as resistance fighters on their home planet, Tauron, and Sam works to support the rebels, including smuggling arms there. His day-to-day business consists of beatings, property damage and the occasional assassination. That’s definitely a CV that makes him the ideal choice to stand beside you in a dark alley.
From the Scalped comic series comes Uday “Shunka” Sartana. Shunka is bodyguard and enforcer for Chief Lincoln Red Crow, the President of the Oglala Tribal Council. Red Crow controls most of his local reservation and tough as nails Shunka does his dirty work. The world in Scalped is harsh and brutal and Shunka typically operates on the other side of the law – there’s little he won’t do to ensure his boss maintains power and control. It’s not just a job to him either, he’s actually in love with Red Crow. Warning: someone may get curb-stomped. But at least it won’t be you.
6. Henry Bulman
The greatest gay male character you’ve never heard of is from The Mythic series of novels. The mentor to lead character Lucy Knight, Henry is an alternate world version of a minotaur. Rather than a man with a bull’s head he’s an anthropomorphic bull – not quite human and not quite a beast. This 182cm (6ft) tall bundle of blue-fur-covered muscle is as happy to use the horns on his head to dispatch a foe as he is his hoof-like hands. He possesses super strength, quick healing ability and is a master of an array of weapons, preferring a magical two-headed axe that only he can wield. He’s rarely without that axe so expect him to have it on him when those bashers jump you. Henry has no qualms in killing but don’t feel bad for his victims – remember, they threw the first punch.
7. Russell Edgington
A character from the True Blood TV series, Edgington is a 3,000 year old vampire. Just being a vampire makes him useful in battle but blood-suckers get more powerful the longer they are alive, meaning Edgington has super-vampire speed and strength. He can also fly. While he’s outwardly charming, he’s mentally unhinged, mainly due to the murder of his beloved beau Talbot. The craziness doesn’t matter too much as he’s on your side. Just point him towards the bad guys and they’ll soon be reduced to a bloody pile.
8. Ray Gillette
Raymond Q Gillette is a from the Archer animated series. An accomplished athlete in the past – he has a Winter Olympic bronze medal for skiing – he now works for the International Secret Intelligence Service (yes, that spells ISIS but it’s a different ISIS) as an analyst and bomb expert. Ray is no stranger to violence – he’s regularly injured while on missions, including becoming paralyzed and losing part of an arm. His damaged parts have been replaced with cybernetic prosthetics. He’s rather caustic and quick with an insult. But while he might cut you with his wit, he’ll slice through your enemies. Sounds like a good deal to us.
9 and 10. Monsieur Mallah and The Brain
Another pair of characters from comics, Monsieur Mallah is only arguably a “man”. But this gorilla has been engineered to have a genius IQ by human standards. Apart from the smarts and the monkey strengths Monsieur Mallah is usually seen carrying a machine gun – which will be handy in your street fight. Mallah is in love with The Brain, the scientist who created him, but whose body was destroyed, meaning he’s now literally just a brain. The Brain also loves Mallah back. Unfortunately they’re both part of the Brotherhood of Evil, a group of villains who most regularly went up against the Doom Patrol, but if you’re being hate-attacked and a super-intelligent gorilla carrying a brain in a jar offers to assist, you shouldn’t turn it down.