There are a lot of gay dating apps out there but still it can be hard for a lonely guy to find that special someone, especially when you’re a guy with particular tastes in men. Here are 10 brand new dating apps just released by the tech geniuses at Himsical that are guaranteed to help match you with your soul mate. Or mates plural. We don’t judge. Actually that’s just given us an idea for another app…
While specialist apps like Growlr make finding bears far easier, it can be a problem if you yourself are not a bear. Chasers – non-bears into burly guys – can find it demoralizing clicking on one hot bear after another only to fall upon those dreaded words – “Into bears only”. With B4C – Bears for Chasers – that kind of horror will be thing of the past. This app has been specially designed by the chasers on Himiscal’s staff and we guarantee that every single woofy bear on the app finds non-bears attractive. How do we know? We slept with all of them! The app also contains a section devoted to advice for non-hairy guys dating ursine men, including things like dealing with beard-burn and unclogging back hair from the drain. Happy hunting, bear lovers!
It’s good to know what you like and don’t like – no fatties, no femmes, no one aged 30+, no warlocks, no one with ebola, no men called Patrick. Demanding men will find a home on Fussy where members fill out an exhaustive checklist of their own attributes, then of everything they don’t want in a man. They can select from a checklist of 5,456 different attributes including all the little things that choosy types will kill a relationship over – like learning that someone snores, has sweaty hands, or likes John Tesh’s music. Once you’ve answered the app’s thousands of questions it analyzes this data and will only display men who meet every single one of your countless expectations. The grids will, therefore, be completely empty – just like your heart.
Drag queens need a place where they can let their wigs down, discuss makeup tips and hone cutting but hilarious quips. On Queenly everyone else knows what it’s like to swallow an eyelash halfway through a Liza Minnelli medley or the challenge of tucking when you’re well-endowed. All photos on the site must be of the member in drag and members are expected to upload videos of their performances – and force everybody to watch the entire thing over and over and over. The more thick-skinned members are also encouraged to enter The Shade – a special part of the app where members just trade endless insults about each other. Heels on, girls, your new stage is waiting!
The Village People were right, there’s nothing better than being in the navy but for those who want to actually be inside a sailor, finding one can be a chore, or at least it used to be. Presenting Seaman, an app where everyone is either a sailor or has a fetish for them. Naval members join free of charge, provided their profile contains a picture of them in their uniform – and one of them out of it. The app also lists the local naval bases and provides alerts for when visiting ships are docked nearby. If the app is a success we at Himsical promise to create apps for those into Soldiers, Pilots, Police Officers and Firemen. Enlist now, maties!
The online world of gaming is a hotbed of homophobic slurs. Playing with friendly straight guys is all well but they’re not much use if you want to discuss which of the beefy soldiers on Gears of War you’d most like to fuck. Himsical is proud to announce Gaymr – an app designed to assist geeks to easily find companions for adventures online – and off. Members of Gaymr are all guaranteed gay male gamers, guys who not only know their FPS from their TPS but also the precise difference between MMOGs and MMORPGs. You can search guys by game genre, device type (studies show that mixed X-Box/Playstation relationships never last) and best of all the app will sync with your console, allowing you to share progress, points and achievements and other nerdy crap that gaymers are into.
Modern life is busy and nobody has time to use complete sentences anymore, especially not when trying to organize a sex date. Introducing Hey, the first hook up app that limits all messages to one word. Sup? Hey. Horny? Yep. Now? Where? This is dating pared back to its very essence. Conversations are also timed so if a reply doesn’t come within 10 seconds the app will immediately blocks the slowpoke. Because Millennials and their instant needs. Interested? Sweet. K. Bye. And if you like this app you’ll love an upcoming Himsical release that makes the conversations in Hey look like War and Peace! Dropping in February 2016…Homoji – where users can only speak using those little cartoon icons. 😀 💩 👊 😜 👏
Gay men with dogs get to meet other men while out doing canine stuff – whether it’s at the dog park, groomer or just walking Fido. Gay men with cats, however, didn’t have these same opportunities, until now! Purrr members don’t actually upload pictures of themselves, but of their cats because, as anyone with a cat knows, it’s all about the kitty. Unlike other apps, which only allow a small number of profile pictures, Purrr was initially designed to permit 1,000 photos of cats per profile. However, due to heavy demands from avid cat owners this number will be increased to 5,000 in the near future. Purrr guarantees you’ll finally see a pussy that you want to pat.
Poor right wing gays – left-wing gays hate them because they’re “working with the enemy” and straight conservatives hate them because they’re sodomites. Is there no place other than Log Cabin Republican meetings that gay conservatives can feel smugly superior? There is now! On Rightbow – the name is a mash up of “right-wing” and “rainbow” – straight-laced homos will be able to extol their love of Ronald Regan, hunting, and the 1% safe in the knowledge everyone else there thinks the same. Rightbow’s algorithm matches men based on their answers to questions about religion, the death penalty, guns, and sex education. The app is also linked up with various right wing organizations, firing off alerts about joining protests outside abortion clinics and letter-writing campaigns to have Shonda Rhimes shows removed from television. She’ll drag us all to hell with her liberal agenda!
There is a trend among certain men to date guys that look exactly like themselves. But finding one’s double can be a huge effort – forcing you through screen after screen of men who don’t bear any resemblance to you. The sophisticated facial recognition software behind Twinsies analyses your features – from your head to your toes – then only provides matches with members who could pass as your double, or a brother at least. It’s never been easier for men to find a twin-husband! All profits from this app will go towards funding research into human cloning. Twinsies members know why. Non-Twinsies members, you probably really don’t want to know.
Gay marriage and our mainstreaming has facilitated the rise of gay “pearl clutchers”. These men take an old fashioned view of sex and dating – getting offended by near-naked hunks in Pride parades, sex shops on their child’s route to school and, of course, hook up apps. But even pearl clutchers deserve someone to hold. The point of difference with WTM – short for Waiting Till Marriage – is that it is the first gay app that can confirm nobody on the site is looking for sex, or at least pre-marital sex. No pictures are permitted to be uploaded. Members write a long, boring essay about how difficult it is to be a moral man in the debauched gay world with its open relationships and triads, then the algorithm judges the prudishness of the essay and pairs members with someone equally prim. Every date made through WTM is chaperoned by a Himsical staff member to ensure nothing untoward takes place – nothing more than a chaste hug will be approved. After sixty dates if the couple is still together they are automatically married at which point they may finally engage in sexual intercourse. Or not, probably.
Important note: Some or all of these apps may not exist.
Additional note: None of these apps exist.