Happy Chinese New Year! We asked Himsical’s astrologer who specializes in divining for gay men to provide some predictions for each of the 12 signs of the Chinese zodiac. What does the Year of the Monkey hold for you? Not sure of your sign? Discover what it is here.
Strengths: Creative, generous, resourceful.
Weaknesses: Aggressive, untrustworthy, overly critical.
Forecast: 2016 is going to be positive for you. It’s good year to change jobs or invest in real estate. Make sure you get the house inspected before you buy it –even a Rat like you won’t want a place that’s got a rodent problem.
Strengths: Logical, practical, hardworking.
Weaknesses: Stubborn, conservative, unromantic, opinionated.
Forecast: You’re rather predictable, aren’t you Ox, and “predicable” equals “boring”. 2016 is a good time to break some dull routines and do something wild. No, wearing colorful socks isn’t “wild”.
Strengths: Noble, independent, brave.
Weaknesses: Aggressive, unpredictable, selfish.
Forecast: The stars indicate that it’s going to be a tough year – financially, socially and health-wise. In fact, it’s so grim that we suggest you just stay in bed. Yes, for the entire year! On the plus side, you’ll finally get to see all those TV shows you’ve complained you never have time to watch. See you in 2017.
Strengths: Friendly, gentle, conscientious.
Weaknesses: Superficial, conflict-averse.
Forecast: Watch out for injuries to your head. Don’t ask us why – we don’t create this stuff, we just report it. Maybe wear a helmet the whole time just to be safe. Yes, even in the shower – do you know how many head injuries happen in there? It’s like lots!
Strengths: Kind-hearted, multi-talented, resolute.
Weaknesses: Prone to worry, domineering, capricious.
Forecast: 2016 is going to be superb, especially as money is concerned. You will receive an unexpected windfall and the offer of a great new job. Married dragons will have their best year ever, especially Dragons married to Goats who are celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary in May. Yes, that struck us as an awfully specific prediction but the stars do not lie!! Also, Dragons married to Goats called Dominic will be having pork chops for dinner tonight. But pick up some beer on the way home, please.
Strengths: Determined, intellectual, witty.
Weaknesses: Vain, know-it-all.
Forecast: Our advice to you for 2016 is to watch out for moongooses. Yes, it’s “mongooses” and not “mongeese”. Equally beware of honey badgers. Did you see that video where one killed a cobra? Those things do not give a shit!
Strengths: Amiable, hard-working.
Weaknesses: Egotistical, moody, impatient.
Forecast: If you’re not already a Brony then 2016 is the year to dive into that subculture which is literally made for a Horse like you. There’s even a BronyCon – last year they had over 10,000 attendees. If you’re looking for new pals or playmates then that’s a good place to start. Friendship really IS magic.
Strengths: Artistic, loyal, good problem solver.
Weaknesses: Shy, susceptible to stress.
Forecast: Do you know that song Seasons Change by girl-group Exposé? The song’s lyrics are so true – leaves turn brown and fade, ships sail away, you long to say a thousand words but seasons change! It feels like it’s forever, no reason for emptiness. But time just runs away, no more day by day. You dream again it seems in vain when seasons change.
Strengths: Resourceful, independent.
Weaknesses: Opportunistic, arrogant, unpredictable.
Forecast: You’re stuck in a rut and so you would benefit from doing things a little differently this year. This doesn’t apply if you’re an actual monkey in which case just keep swinging from trees and flinging poop at everybody.
Strengths: Courageous, smart, charming.
Weaknesses: Boastful, reckless, egoistic.
Forecast: You were born in the Year of the Cock and so your Chinese symbol is a Cock. This year you should fully embrace cocks – we suggest encountering a new cock every day, maybe even several new cocks a day. Cocks were meant to be enjoyed so go out and show love to as many cocks as you can. Also maybe play with some penises once in a while.
Strengths: Persistent, loyal, passionate.
Weaknesses: Cynical, anxious, sharp-tongued.
Forecast: War, economic collapse, disasters caused by climate change, Donald Trump – 2016 isn’t going to be pretty. Fortunately we have do-gooders like you to come and clean it up all up for us. You better start with the toilet, Dogs, because that’s where the world is going to end up.
Strengths: Devoted, tolerant, passionate about fairness.
Weaknesses: Impulsive, quick-tempered, naïve.
Forecast: Oink! Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, Pig! Dirty, worthless, disgusting Pig! Take it, you depraved piece of meat – take it, take it, take it. Also, it’s a year of good fortune and much luck – a great new career opportunity is just around the corner. Now beg for it, you filthy scum faggot.