(21 March to 20 April)
You can be vain but you’re also a natural leader, bordering on being domineering. We have the perfect place for you – politics! A straight-talker like you might be a little too honest for public office so you’re going to have to learn how to lie. Find a Scorpio and ask them how it’s done.
(21 April to 20 May)
It’s time to throw off your predictable routine! Try some different fashions, change your hairstyle, jet off for spontaneous weekend jaunts, experiment with new foods! Ha ha, just kidding, Mr Bull! Just continue to do the same things you always do – watching TV and eating pizza, right?
(21 May to 21 June)
You’re creative, witty and outgoing. You’re also superficial, acerbic and can be a little cold at times. If you don’t already have a drag act then it’s time you started one.
(22 June to 22 July)
Crabs are loving and compassionate but can also literally be “crabby” since you’re one of the moodier signs of the Zodiac. Maybe it’s time to try an anti-depressant to even out those swings. Maybe it’s time to try out several anti-depressants…
(23 July to 23 August)
We wouldn’t dare tell a Leo what to do. You’ll probably want to write in the comments telling us what to do. Are we implying you’re bossy and opinionated? No, we’re actually saying “You are bossy and opinionated”.
(23 August to 22 September)
Remember back in 1994 when you tried to talk to that guy in a bar and he politely declined which really hurt because it took all your courage to overcome your shyness to do that? Of course you remember, it’s haunted you ever since! It’s 2016, Virgo, time to let go of the past. We’d suggest you go clean something to take your mind off it but we know that your house is already spotless.
(23 September to 22 October)
There are so many different things you could be doing with your time this year and an indecisive sign like you will have a hard time choosing the right path. You are equally a gullible lot so you should also beware of taking the advice of others. Come to think of it, we have this great business opportunity that we were hoping you would invest some money in…
(23 October to 21 November)
As a Scorpio you are passionate and adventurous, especially when it comes to sex. In bed you’re a love god. Your mission in 2016 is to sleep with as many men as possible. When you have a gift like yours it should be shared far and wide. Oh, you’re already doing that? Maybe just sleep with a few men, but lots of times. When you have a gift like yours it should be enjoyed over and over and over.
(22 November to 21 December)
We’d tell you to explore some new places, but you’ve no doubt done a lot of travelling. We’d tell you to try a different hobby, but there’s little you haven’t attempted. We’d say you should investigate a new career but you’re probably already searching for great opportunities. The one thing we won’t tell you is to settle down – unless it’s with a Scorpio man – those guys are WILD and ought to be a good match !
(22 December to 20 January)
The icecaps are melting, religious extremism is on the rise, bees are dying and Donald Trump is still the Republican front-runner. Those are some of the things you need to stop worrying about this year, Goat Man. Telling you not to fret is like telling you not to breathe but at the very least find some new stuff to keep you awake at night. Like that strain of “super gonorrhea” that can’t be treated. You’re welcome.
(21 January to 18 February)
You’re eccentric and unpredictable – the world desperately needs your brand of creativity. You know who really needs it? John Travolta. He hasn’t done anything interesting, or good, for years!
(19 February to 20 March)
No matter what the next twelve months bring there is one thing we can guarantee you’ll do in 2016, Mr Fish, and that’s cry. Maybe it’s time to stop being quite so sensitive. Why are you crying? Because we called you “sensitive”? Sorry! You’re a sign that feels things deeply and that’s a good thing. Why are you crying now? Because we gave me a compliment? It’s going to be a long year…