4 Homophobes Who Are Probably In the Closet

People have long stopped being surprised when a homophobic man is outed.  There’s even science to back up that fact that their fear of gays is being fuelled by self-loathing.  Homophobes like Larry “Airport Toilet” Craig , Ted “Male Escort and Crystal Meth” Haggard and Eddie “Selfies in Lycra” Long have all been exposed as gay.  It wouldn’t be surprising if the following 4 were next out of the closet.

Todd Starnes
Writer and right wing media pundit Starnes regularly inhabits the anti-gay space of opposition to same sex marriage.  But he’s also been known to literally inhabit a rather pro-gay space, namely pride parades.  Starnes has attended gay events under the guises of “reporting” on them, which sounds suspiciously like buying Playboy to read the articles.  He’s clearly got penises on his mind given that in one “report” he became taken with the phallic nature of a giant burrito on a Chipotle float.

That may be because he resembles a giant burrito.

That may be because he resembles a giant burrito.

Starnes likes to call the masculinity of other men into question – which is classic deflection, call other men sissies so no one will realise you’re as gay as a row of rainbow tents.
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: He describes himself as “a big meat eater”.  Oh, and all the gay parade attending.
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: Back alleys at gay parades.
Will be Outed: When he’s caught at the Folsom Street Fair in a gimp outfit.  He’ll claim he was “conducting research” but that won’t explain why he’s sporting a butt plug and being lead around on a leash by a master known as “Pipe”.

Theodore Shoebat
Conservative vlogger Shoebat thinks gay people should be executed and that Isis is a gay cult.  He tried to force bakeries to make anti-gay hate cakes and may be the only person in the world who uses the word “faggot” more than Azealia Banks.  To say that Shoebat is fond of saying “faggot” in his videos is an understatement.  If you subject yourself to his diatribes you’ll noticed he’s equally taken with the word “flaming” and, like so many of his ilk, obsessed with sodomy.  He also seems to wear a lot of berets.  Or maybe it’s just the same beret over and over.  Shoebat often puts on an effeminate voice when mocking gays.  He’s good at it.  A little too good…
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: Anyone who thinks about gay sex as much as Ted much clearly wants gay sex.  In addition it’s our experience that only gay men use the word “flaming”.


Also, that beret.

Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: Craigslist.  Look for the ad that appears to have been placed by a serial killer.  Yes, serial killer.  Did you see his videos?
Will be Outed: When a passer by reports a strange smell from his basement and find the decomposing bodies of the “flaming faggots” he lured there for sodomy then kept for dinner.

Matt Barber
On Twitter Matt Barber describes himself as, among other things, an ex-pro boxer and “Liberal-ticker-offer”. Saying he “ticks off” people totally undersells his vileness as Barber has equated gays with pedophiles, says the children of gay parents are just pets and thinks gay marriage was a cause for the Biblical great flood.  But he has a good reason for spreading bile as he says he was sent to Earth by God to be an anti-gay activist.  He’s another obsessed with anal sex, describing gay relationships as “one man violently slamming his penis into another man’s lower intestine”.  So clearly he likes it rough.
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: Once again, railing against butt-sex makes a nice smokescreen for the fact that you’re doing a lot of it, or wishing you were.  The boxing was probably just an excuse to get spend time in the proximity of another half-naked, sweaty man.
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: Growlr.  And one imagines he’s rather popular there.

Matt’s last name should be BEAR-ber.

Will be Outed: By himself when he announces he’s met Alan, the bear of his dreams and they move to Oregon to open a combination gay gym-law office.

Creflo Dollar
Prosperity preacher (yes, that’s a thing) Creflo is famous for wanting his congregation to buy him a private jet.  He’s not as obsessed with homosexuality as others on this list, though to be fair the others set the bar really high, but he gets points for claiming Pokemon makes children gay.  This is crazy talk because as everyone knows you’re turned gay by watching Dragon Ball Z.  Creflo oozes style; this man knows to wear a suit!  He’s also harboring some violent tendencies – not uncommon for those in the closet.
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: It’s impossible to believe a man who dresses that well is 100% heterosexual.
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: Everywhere, as soon as he gets that plane.


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Will be Outed: By handsome male church members who report he made them dress up like Pikachu and chased them around the room to the Pokemon theme tune.

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