It was Carl Jung who said “what you resist persists”. This is especially true in men who deny their attraction to other guys. When those feelings persevere they get turned into the opposite of attraction – they get turned into hate. This is so well know to be the case that we’ve stopped being surprised when homophobes are caught seeking gay sex. In fact, we’ve come to expect it. Based on that logic we listed four men we think are comrades in cocksucking and here are another likely quartet of covert queers.
Bart Hester is a member of the Arkansas Senate and lives in a place called Cave Springs. Fittingly, his worldview dates from the time people lived in caves, including believing that gays and lesbians have too many rights and protections and it’s unfair to him as a “straight” man. Yes, he actually said “I am singled out because I am married to one woman. I want everyone in the LGBT community to have the same rights I do. I do not want them to have special rights that I do not have.” Like everyone who claims gays have “special rights” he never explains what they are but if it’s the right to marry someone of the same sex we have good news for the Senator – that’s now legal.
Hester is a deacon at his Baptist church and it won’t come as a surprise that he sponsored “religious freedom” legislation designed to push back on anti-discrimination laws, even though he clearly didn’t really understand what the law would do.
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: Straight people marry one woman and get on with their heterosexual lives. Closeted gay men marry one woman and shout about it. Hester also makes a big deal of having played baseball in college and that he loves shooting – both of which holding a phallic object in his hands.
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: So many of these politicians get outed from gay dating apps. We guess he’ll try BiggerCity: the web community for gay chubby men, bears and chasers.
Will be Outed: At a Promise Keepers convention – Promise Keepers hold mass rallies for Christian men and tell them how to be better men. Clearly those things just excuses for closeted Christian guys to hook up on the down low. The real promise they keep – not to tell anyone about all the sex they had.
James David Manning
It was three years in prison for crimes including burglary and weapon possession that turned Manning from law-breaker to holy man. He is the Pastor of the ATLAH Worldwide Missionary Church in Harlem, New York. His fundamentalist church regularly features hateful billboards that say Christian things like “Jesus would stone homos” and “Harlem is a sodomite free zone”.
He is most infamous, however, for claiming that Starbucks was flavoring their coffee with semen. Manning hasn’t adequately explained why Starbucks would do this, or where they get enough jizz to service their 23,ooo or so stores worldwide. Manning has claimed to have been “tempted” to be gay – during his time in prison. But he resisted, because being gay is just a choice after all and he chose not.
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: Someone has semen on the brain. Also probably on the tongue. And other places. Like in the bum.
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: Starbucks. He’s in the corner sipping on the Spunkin Spice Latte.
Will be Outed: When caught seeking an extra sperm shot in the Starbucks bathrooms.
Steven L Anderson is pastor of the Faithful Word Baptist Church in Phoenix, Arizona. Because of course. He’s declared “faggots” should get the death penalty. Yes, every second Christian has thought or said that but Anderson screams it. He’s a good man though, so he wouldn’t kill sodomites – he expects the government to do it.
Just how anti-gay is he? You know those businesses that refused to make wedding cakes and provide flowers at gay weddings? Anderson doesn’t support them. He thinks they’re stupid because they were too nice to their LGBT customers. The Pastor gets up at 5am to go barefoot running. That doesn’t have anything to do with his views on gays, it’s just something a bit weird that we wanted to mention.
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: Science has shown homophobes are closeted homosexuals. Logically the more hateful you are towards gays, the more gay you are. Do you see where this is going? Yes, Anderson is REALLY gay. He is also REALLY crazy.
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: Those locations where he does his morning exercise. We’ve heard cruising called a lot of things but “barefoot running” is a new one.
Will be Outed: After being caught spit-roasted in a Phoenix park on Tuesday morning at 5:36am. His cries of passion alerted people walking their dogs – the Pastor is a screamer after all.
Swanson hosts Generations which, unfortunately, has nothing to do with the Star Trek movie and everything to do with “life from the perspective of a biblical worldview”. Swanson has weighed in on the Trekverse, however, claiming that it promoted bestiality, because humans have sex with aliens. He saves his real anger for the gays, blaming homosexuality for wildfires and floods in Colorado. He’s got a big thing about masculinity, saying it worries him when boys do “the metrosexual thing with the skinny pants and the little fairy shoes”. This is bad because “God does not want men to be androgynous and feminine like in their approach; He gave them facial hair for a reason”. Considering that Swanson is hardly an archetype for manliness there appears to be some serious misdirection going on.
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: Returning from Australia on a long haul flight he peeked on what everyone else was watching. “I’m stuck in fourteen hours of these visual presentations, sitcoms and stuff, on seventeen screens in front of me and I’ve never seen so many breasts in all of my life”. What straight man doesn’t want to see breasts?
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: Fourteen hour flights from the US to Australia.
Will be Outed: When he’s caught fumbling around underneath a blanket in the back row of the airplane with an air steward called Bryce.