We were so excited about the Hart To Hart remade-with-gay-men in development at NBC that we made a list of 5 TV shows they should also gaymake™ (if Taylor Swift can trademark relatively generic words we’re protecting our genius creation). In fact, we loved the idea so much we kept going. When the networks invariably decide to gaymake™ even more old shows here’s some more programmes they should consider.
Original premise – Kick-ass spy Sydney Bristow thinks she’s employed by SD6, a black ops part of the CIA. In fact, she’s working for a criminal organisation so she becomes a double agent, something her estranged dad’s already doing at SD6. Sydney falls in love with her CIA handler Michael Vaughan while getting all her non-agent friends either killed or put into witness protection. Lies, spies and endless disguises, this drama ran 5 seasons from 2001 to 2006.
The Gaymake – Alias featured more wigs in one episode than an entire season of RuPaul’s Drag Race so it was plenty gay already. We’d change Sydney into Sid and make his handler Michael gay as well, along with the nerdy tech Marshall Flinkman, because we love gay nerds. We’re sorry Echo Kellum is now on Arrow because he’s already playing the perfect gay geek. Ki Hong Lee (of The Maze Runner fame) is used to action so he’s Sid and lucky for him, he’ll get to make out with Colton Haynes who is our Michael. Of course their spy work often calls for them to wear revealing outfits or to go shirtless. Actually, their spy work ALWAYS calls for this.
Original premise – Through a hilarious misunderstanding Queens cosmetics salesperson Fran Fine ends up nanny to three children of widowed Broadway producer Maxwell Sheffield. She gets a romantic rival for Max in his business partner CC and a friend in butler Niles. This sitcom ran 6 seasons from 1993 to 1999.
The Gaymake – Back in 1997 Elton John famously joked if he’d starred in this show it would be called The Ninny. Actually, Elton, if you’d been the star this show would have been called The Awful. The major planks here hardly need gayification – Broadway, a local from Queens, a character called CC (we don’t know why but that name just sounds really gay to us). We’d retain the show’s street smarts vs money dynamic. Frank Fine will be a blue collar plumber hired to fix a sink then brought on board bring upper crust Englishman Max’s wayward children into line. The original featured three kids but we’d ditch the youngest in favour of a dog – there really aren’t enough cute dogs on TV anymore. Frank and Max will have an instant attraction but decide to put that aside when Frank is hired – of course, that’ll just mean lots of unspoken sexual tension. Add the twist of Max having left his wife when he realised he was gay and you have room for our CC, now a meddling ex-wife. She doesn’t want her husband back but equally she doesn’t want to see him happy – and she realises Frank could make him happy so she’ll do anything to keep the men apart. As a nanny-handyman burly Frank will often do repairs shirtless and there’s few men we want to see shirtless more than Joe Manganiello. Maybe Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Lost, Suicide Squad)? Neither is an obvious choice for a sitcom like this – but who wants “obvious”?
Original premise – Married couples and singles navigate their thirties in Philadelphia. The show featured buttoned-down and relatively happily married Michael and Hope, Michael’s kooky cousin Melissa, his business partner Elliot, who was in a rather messy marriage with Nancy, Michael’s liberal college friend Gary and Hope’s best friend Ellyn, who had more success at work than in her personal life. This slice of life drama lasted four seasons from 1987 to 1991.
The Gaymake – Gay males come in all different forms and we don’t all live in major cities. After Queer As Folk and Looking there’s room to go a bit more green-belt with a suburban set gay-ensemble drama. We’d still centre it around Michael and Michael (Mike) a happily married interracial couple with children, and their diverse circle of family, friends and business colleagues. There are not nearly enough trans male characters in the media and the type of personal and interpersonal stories this show tells would be a chance to fully explore what it means to be trans so either Michael or Mike used to be a woman but is now a gay man. Do we gayify the entire cast? You might want to throw in a token straight or two but we say, let’s go full homo! We don’t dislike you straights but honestly, haven’t you seen yourselves enough already?
KATE AND ALLIE
Original premise – Friends – liberated Kate and traditionalist Allie – share a New York brownstone after their respective divorces. Both have kids. Kate goes out to work while Allie stays at home. This sitcom lasted 6 seasons from 1984 to 1989.
The Gaymake – Gays have spent awful lot of time fighting for the right to get married and it follows we probably haven’t thought much about what happens if those shiny new unions don’t last – it’s time we explored that. Nate and Al have been gay bffs since childhood. They both marry great men, both end up with children and then become single parents – one widowed, one divorced. They pool their resources, buy a house together and get on with their lives. While the expectation will be for Nate and Al to end up together we’d prefer to show that two gay men can be friends without sex getting in the way. Of course, it can’t but this is TV so let’s pretend. We think an SNL reunion would be nice here. Tracy Morgan owes us so he’s playing against type as conservative Al while Horatio Sanz gets to have fun as free-spirit Nate.
THE DUKES OF HAZZARD
Original premise – Cousins, Bo and Luke Duke, live on their family farm in Hazzard, Georgia with gorgeous cousin Daisy and uncle Jesse. They drive around in their customized stock car, the General Lee, evading an idiot sheriff and foiling the schemes of Boss Hogg, the crooked county commissioner. This hour long comedy-drama ran for 7 seasons from 1979 to 1985.
The Gaymake – We liked the Southern setting of Dukes and there’s absolutely a spot for a good ole boys cars and TV crime series but the “foiling evil scheme of the week” routine is dated. We’d have gay brothers Bo and Luke – the “cousins in the South” always read “incest” to us – own a mechanics garage in Hazzard County, called The Dukes of Hazzard. The original show relied on car stunts and we’ll feature those as well but in fact our Dukes can fix any vehicle from motorbikes to helicopters so we can feature a parade of big boy toys of every shape and size. Our Dukes will often play detective – Hazzard County will have a disproportionate number of crimes, especially murders. We won’t limit your imagination on the casting here – any hunks will do for Bo and Luke so long as one is blond and one dark-haired – and so long as they don’t mind going shirtless a lot. Daisy Duke was such a popular character her name was given to an item of clothing and we won’t mess with a classic. She’s still a leggy bombshell – but now she’s a lesbian running the local bar. Don’t worry, the General Lee will still feature, it’ll be their primary mode of transport, but that confederate flag on its roof has to go – instead, like the rest of the show, it’ll get a rainbow makeover.
BJ AND THE BEAR
Original premise – Itinerant trucker Billie Joe (BJ) McKay drives across the US with his chimpanzee companion Bear. Every week a new town and a new girl. This one hour drama ran 3 seasons from 1979 to 1981. What is with that photo of them? It looks like a wedding portrait. The chimp’s even wearing white…
The Gaymake – We’re swear we’ve already viewed a gay porno called BJ and the Bear. And given that conservatives are always claiming gay marriage will lead to men marrying animals we’re thinking this show might be best left alone. We would love to see a show about gay truckers, however – gay bear truckers. We’re also not averse to seeing them get bjs. Actually that may have been the plot of the porno we saw.