There’s a remake of Hart To Hart in development at NBC. The wealthy-marrieds-solve-crimes drama will recast leads Jonathan and Jennifer Hart with a gay couple. We’ll miss the fabulousness that is Stephanie Powers and the swoony Robert Wagner but with the pedigree behind this remake we have a feeling we might not miss them for long. Once Hart to Hartman (go read that pedigree article to see why we think that’ll be the title) becomes a mega-hit we’re assuming networks will bring back other classic shows with gay male leads. Here’s where Himsical suggests they start.
Original premise – Sabrina, Jill and Kelly are beautiful private investigators, working for the mysterious Charlie. This drama ran five seasons from 1976 to 1981.
The Gaymake – How does a gay version of this show not already exist? We will be requiring more ethnic diversity with our cast (only one white Angel, please) and a variety of body types with at least one bear. Because bears. Gender swap their handler Bosley (we’re seeing Lisa Edelstein of House fame in the role), find an A-list star willing to voice Charlie and you have a sure-fire smash. The original show often saw the Angels wearing skimpy outfits (“This week Angels you’re going undercover as beach volleyball players who moonlight as strippers!”) and equally the missions in the gaymake will regularly require the men to shed their shirts. Maybe even their pants if a cable network feels like picking up the rights.
DR QUINN: MEDICINE WOMAN
Original premise – It’s 1867 and Dr Michaela Quinn is a doctor in frontier town Colorado Springs. She inherits three orphans, faces down a misogynistic town and attracts the attention of rough but romantic outdoorsman Sully. This drama ran six seasons from 1993 to 1998.
The Gaymake – The original was famous for addressing social topics in its historical setting, especially sexism. It was also famous for Dr Quinn performing medical procedure that were laughably ahead of the times. In the new version Dr Mike Quinn is blacklisted in Boston because he refuses to be closeted and the only place he can find work is in the Wild West. He too will inherit the children of a dying patient and his liberal ways will rub many in the conservative town the wrong way. We’d also give him a romantic interest. But whereas Sully was a Native American-friendly white man in our version Sully becomes Sahale, one of the indigenous locals, giving their relationship the added taboo of being mixed race. Ryan Kwanten of True Blood would be perfect as the mighty Quinn and actor/model Rick Mora as Sahale. These two won’t be shy about getting it on so expect lots of shirtless man on man action.
THE GOLDEN GIRLS
Original premise – Blanche, Rose, Dorothy and Dorothy’s mother Sophia share a Miami house. They’re older but definitely not old. This sitcom lasted seven seasons from 1985 to 1992. There was also a spin-off starring three of the cast but that’s best left forgotten.
The Gaymake – We’d go three for four in gaymaking the ladies – Barry (Blanche), Rex (Rose) and Doug (Dorothy) are gay men in their fifties/sixties who’ve all retired to Florida. We wouldn’t do a thing to their personalities – they’re already perfect gay archetypes as the slut, the idiot and the sarcast. We’d keep Sophia as female though, mainly because 80-year-old women are hilarious and she’d actually be the most open-minded of the quartet. Whereas the original Dorothy was left-leaning we’d make Doug conservative – there’s comedy to be had in heterosexual older Sophia being far more liberal than her gay son. Like the original we see this show dispelling age-based stereotypes. Unlike the original there’s potential for an inter-cast romance between two of the three men (Barry and Doug perhaps), something that could instill new life in Golden Guys come season 3 or 4. We’d cast Chris Noth as Barry, Stephen Root as Rex and LeVar Burton as Doug. There are a billion fantastic black actresses around 80 who could play Sophia but we want to see Diahann Carroll back on our screens! Also don’t think that because these men are over 50 we won’t be expecting some shirtlessness from time to time. We always expect shirtlessness.
MY SO-CALLED LIFE
Original premise – One of the most famous “cancelled too soon” programmes this tartly realistic drama followed 15 year old Angela as she navigated the rapids of a Pittsburg high school. It ran one glorious season from 1994-1995.
The Gaymake – Life is famous for having one of TV’s first leading homosexual characters, Angela’s best guy friend was out gay Rickie Vasquez. He was so well formed it’s hardly a stretch pulling that character into the center. We’ll also make him deaf. You never see deaf gay men on TV and having a drama helmed by a gay Latino deaf teen will drive the “world-has-gone-too-PC” crowd crazy! While it might appear easier for teens to come out now than it was twenty years ago in many ways increased visibility has brought more pressure. We imagine Rickie dealing with homophobia and racism while being torn between two boys – the football captain and the resident rebel. Like the original there will be episodes that touch upon hot button topics like sex, sex ed, abortion, guns, religious freedom and whether the upcoming Star Wars movies are a legitimate extension of the story or another desperate cash grab. This is the sort of show best cast with unknowns for the teens but we adored Carlos Ponce and Maria Cannals Barrera as a married couple on Cristela so we know who we want for his parents. Carlos Ponce will be required to take off his shirt regularly when the story demands it. The story will demand it every week.
Original premise – Boldly going into space in various iterations. You might have expected a show that featured one of US TV’s earliest (although not the first) interracial kisses to be slightly more progressive regarding sexual orientation. But not one of the various TV series (or films for that matter) has featured a gay or lesbian leading character. They’ve had ample opportunity – Star Trek (1966-1969), Star Trek: The Animated Series (1973-1974), Star Trek: The Next Generation (1987-1994), Star Trek: Deep Space Nine (1993-1999), Star Trek: Voyager (1995-2001), Enterprise (2001-2005).
The Gaymake – Star Trek has a lot to make up for so we’re going all in on this one. Welcome to Star Trek: Spartacus, a spaceship manned (ha ha) completely by gay men. The Spartacus is a scientific vessel, crew count approximately 80, with the mandate (ha ha ha) to research intriguing intergalactic phenomena. Why are there so many gay men on this one ship? Because that’s literally the only way to explain why there were none on any other craft. Don’t argue with us on this, we’re due reparations Star Trek and this is how we’re taking them. This is a great opportunity to show the world that gay men aren’t all buff white twentysomethings but that we come in all different sizes, shapes, races and ages. One demand: the captain will be played by Lost and Sense8’s Naveen Andrews. And he’ll take off his shirt at least as much as Kirk did in the original series. Because Naveen Andrews.
Original premise – Spun out of Cheers this show followed straight-laced psychiatrist Frasier Crane as he moved back to his home town Seattle to become a radio host. He was immediately landed with his acerbic father, his father’s home help the dippy Daphne Moon and reconnected with his even more straight-laced brother Niles.
The Gaymake – Wait, we thought this show had gay leads. You mean Frasier and Niles were actually heterosexual? You’re joking, right? Sorry, we’re not touching this one, it was already gayer than we could ever imagine.