The trouble with the modern world is that we take a great thing like Star Wars: The Force Awakens and over saturate the market with it so completely that it makes even the most loyal fan want to rip out George Lucas’ beard one hair at a time.
The movie itself is currently showing in every cinema on the planet while hordes of action figures swamp toy stores. There is a glut of product tie-ins – lunch boxes, toothpaste,and even oranges.
Then there are the endless ads for the movies and those oranges, the appearances of the cast on talk shows, the billion posts and tweets by your friends on Facebook trumpeting how good the film is, or articles about how it passes the Bechdel Test. It’s. Too. Much!
The Force Awakens has become a Death Star – a bloated juggernaut laying waste to everything in its path. But, as Star Wars itself proved, even a Death Star can be defeated. It’s time to strike back!
1. Claim You’re Boycotting the Movie Because of (Insert Righteous Political Reason)
When people post online about how great a movie is there’s nothing worse than that downer who only posts to say they’re boycotting it. Everybody hates that person. If you want to annoy Star Wars fans then you should become that person. “I can’t get past the underrepresentation of gays and lesbians in the franchise.” “Despite modern nods to diversity the series just perpetuates the myth of the straight white male savior.” “It might have passed the Bechdel test but every one of the preceding 6 movies failed miserably or barely scraped through.” If you’re not clever enough to make an actual political point just make crap up. “The fact that swishy C3PO has no genitals is emblematic of the way society wants to castrate gay male characters to make them safe for straight audiences.” Actually, that’s completely true.
2. Make Sure Everybody Knows About the Star Wars Holiday Special
If you’re looking for the exact moment the “War on Christmas” began then this is it. Screened just once on CBS in 1978 this is, without a doubt, the worst thing ever made. Yes, even worse than Avengers: Age of Ultron. Every time somebody posts an annoying thing about Star Wars you should send them a link to this piece of hell and state that it’s in canon – it features the first appearance of bounty hunter Boba Fett after all. The Holiday Special features endless minutes of nothing but Wookie grunting and groaning, psychedelic interpretative dancing, drag queen cooking, and Grandpa Wookie watching porn.
The core cast all appear along with an army of random additional stars like Bea Arthur, Diahann Carroll and Jefferson Starship! Best of all is Harrison Ford’s face during his scenes. He looks like he wishes he was on the Death Star when Luke blew it up. Actually, best of all is everything in this programme. If there’s any instalment of the franchise that deserves a sequel it’s this!
3. Constantly Mention the Franchise’s Incestuous Past
Not only did twins Luke and Leia kiss in the movies, they continued their incestuous dalliances in the tie-in comic series.
They’re not the first twins unaware of their relationship to hook up – but the series is content to sweep their interbreeding under the carpet, which is the perfect reason you should drag it out from under that rug and hang it on the wall. When some sad fan invariably argues that “romantic kissing isn’t incest” tell them to go and romantically kiss their sister. Yeah, ew.
4. Gift Fans the Ewok Movies and TV Show
When Lucas beats a dead horse he turns it into glue. Although the Ewoks were universally loathed they starred in two films – Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure and Ewoks: The Battle For Endor.
Real Star Wars fans detest these films so it’s worth your time tracking down copies and giving them as Christmas gifts. For extra pain also throw in copies of Star Wars: Ewoks, an animated television series that ran for two seasons in the mid-1980s. The show’s theme song is just some gravelly voiced guy singing “We are the E-E-E-E-E-EEEEwoks” over and over and viewing any episode will leave you screaming “Eeeee!” The show is a lot like the Smurfs if the Smurfs were furry, smelly and constantly battling for survival. Seriously, someone is always trying to murder the Ewoks, though to be fair who can blame them?
5. Share Filthy Ewok Memes
But who wants to give the Star Wars franchise any more money? Here’s a great way to create mayhem using Ewoks that doesn’t cost a cent. You’ve seen these memes, right? It’s time to dust them off and send them around the internet again. It’s no surprise that Ewoks inspire such disgusting jokes – they’re the Danny DeVito of the Star Wars universe – small, hairy and meant to be funny but in reality come across as tiny perverts. These memes are mostly about anal rape so be prepared to offend some people. But remember, Star Wars agreed to allow its branding on oranges. Oranges!