They say music is good for the soul but it can also reveal things that are wrong with the body. We ran the titles of these current hits – which all sound like things that warrant a trip to the doctor – through Isabel, an online symptom checker, to see what possible diseases the singers might be suffering from. Justin Bieber should be quarantined immediately. No, the Biebs isn’t in this list, we just think the world would be better if he was quarantined.
1. Can’t Feel My Face (The Weeknd)
Isabel loved this symptom, listing dozens of diagnoses though as we read the list – Otosclerosis…Erythomelagia…Sarcoidosis – we suspected our online doctor was just spitting out the stupidest names celebrities have given their babies. The Weeknd sings “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it” so we were specifically looking for diseases that did not cause pain. Unless he enjoys being in pain…
If one side of Mr Weeknd’s face was drooping it might be Bell’s palsy but even though his hair looks like poutine his face looks decidedly normal. Overall he fit none of Isabel’s diagnoses and we suspect the facial paralysis is nothing to worry about. It’s probably just the result of something he ate. Or drank. Or smoked.
Final prognosis: We’ll have what’s he having.
2. Wildest Dreams (Taylor Swift)
We were a little ashamed having to bother Isabel with this complaint since wild dreams aren’t exactly life threatening. We’re always having nightmares, usually about our teeth falling out or having sex with Perez Hilton. Just remember, Tay, dreams can’t hurt you. Except if you dream about a creepy guy with a burned face. That means you’re being attacked by Freddy Kruger, who is the second scariest person to ever wear a red and black striped shirt.
Despite our indifference Isabel was suitably concerned to suggest PTSD, which is very likely if Taylor Swift has heard herself sing. Isabel thought it could also be Heavy Metal Intoxication so don’t be surprised if you hear about Swifty dating the members of Megadeth.
Final prognosis: Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep!
3. Bad Blood (Taylor Swift featuring Kendrick Lamar)
Isabel tossed up a cocktail of diagnoses, many of which we expected – Cancer…Hemophilia…being born in Kentucky. Isabel also suggested Varicocele, which sounds like a type of pasta but actually it has to do with testicles.
It was at this point we realised we’d forgotten to inform Isabel we were asking about a woman, not a man (sorry Kendrick, we know you’re credited but when you’re around Taylor Swift it’s all about her). With the gender box correctly ticked Isabel diagnosed Vaginitis, which we would advise you not to google images for – or a problem with the bowels, which is not the first time someone has linked Ms Swift with shit. Isabel said it might also be the plague. No, seriously, she suggested Taylor Swift has the plague.
Final prognosis: Stay away from Taylor Swift. She has the plague.
4. Lose My Mind (Brett Eldredge)
Isabel worried that Brett might have a brain tumor, be suffering a panic attack, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Our favorite diagnosis was Henoch-Schonlein Purpura, a skin disease so unpleasant just seeing it could make you lose your marbles.
Isabel was more convinced that Brett’s insanity had a mundane genesis – most likely it was an intracranial hemorrhage caused by a blow to head. Mr Eldredge is a country singer so he probably just got hit by a whiskey bottle during a bar fight.
Final prognosis: Stop your drinking and your cheating ways, Brett. Grab your banjo, jump into your truck and head home to the cousin that loves you.
5. See You Again (Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth)
We figured Wiz and Charlie were seeing double so that’s what we typed into Isabel. She wondered if it might be Relapsing Polychondritis, which can’t be good since only bad things “relapse”. Azorean Disease was the neatest sounding suggestion – Azoreans should totally be the name of the next big alien race in Star Trek.
Wiz and Charlie might also have Empty Sella Syndrome, the only disease that brings to mind a vacant basement – or Acoustic Neuroma, which coincidentally was the name of Yanni’s most recent album.
Final prognosis: The name of Yanni’s most recent album was actually Inspirato. This isn’t nearly as cool as Acoustic Neuroma.
6. Trap Queen (Fetty Wap)
We cheated on this one because we were trying to stump Isabel but she surprised us by treating it as a legitimate complaint. “Trap queen” might have been the result of West Nile Encephalitis, which sounds like the name of an Egyptian restaurant, or Testicular Cancer, which is what you’d get from eating at West Nile Encephalitis. In a bizarre coincidence isabel also said it might be caused by “Fetty Wap”. Yes, Fetty’s name is also the term for a disease that causes lesions on the legs and arms!
Okay, we just made that up but it sounded believable, right? “Doctors report an outbreak of Fetty Wap in southern Africa.” See, totally credible.
Final prognosis: Mr Wap, we have no idea what disease you’re suffering from but we suggest that if you meet a Trap Queen in a dark alley you should not take her up on her offer of a blow job. You’ll just end up with ball cancer.