6 More Awful Men I’d Totally Bone

You know the drill. And if you don’t, get with the programme. Horrible men. Dominic boning them.

1. Alex Jones
Alex Jones has a reputation as being “the most prolific conspiracy theorist in contemporary America” which is quite a compliment given that the US produces conspiracy theories faster than it produces people with type 2 Diabetes. Mr Jones is the creator of Infowars.com which is the type of website that would be produced if Libertarianism and paranoia had a baby, and that baby was dropped on its head.

Since this piece is about how I’d sleep with men who are “awful” I’m required to point out that Alex Jones has made some cray-cray claims, including that the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre was faked and that US Democrats were operating a pedophile ring out of the basement of a pizza restaurant. A restaurant that did not even have a basement. Or at least that’s what the Deep State wants you to think. Equally, I’m required to point out that Alex Jones is chunky, furry and has the habit of taking off his shirt.

Exhibit A

2. Willie Robertson
Duck Dynasty is unfortunately not a television program where ducks perform scenes from 1980s night-time soap Dynasty. It’s actually a reality show piece of right wing American propaganda about outdoorsy types who run a shop for outdoorsy stuff. Something to do with ducks and guns, I’m betting. Yes, I’ve never seen an episode but I have seen the three adult sons on the show and I’ve especially seen Willie. All of the Robertson men are known for their fundamentalist Christian views and their long beards.

Also plaid.

Willie, however, is also known as the hottest of the Robertson sons. That’s in a study of one gay man writing this column. He and his family have become rich on a mixture of misogyny, homophobia and other assorted hate masquerading as holiness. In his defense, the most awful thing I can find him saying about homosexuality is that he’s not sure whether it’s a choice, to which I can only say “it’s not, Willie, now let’s have the sex”.

3. Evander Holyfield
Famous boxer and…sorry, that’s all I got…. Famous boxer and…no, seriously, that’s literally all know about Evander Holyfield… Wait, wasn’t he the one who got his ear bitten off by Mike Tyson?

Maybe it was the other ear?

Famous boxer who potentially has only one ear Evander Holyfield appeared on a season of UK Celebrity Big Brother back in 2014. When questioned about his views on gay boxers Holyfield replied “That ain’t normal” and “It is a choice, come on, that ain’t the way nobody is made. If you were born and your leg were turned this way, what do you do, you go to the doctor and get it fixed back right”. Holyfield later defended the remark by claiming it was his opinion. To me opinions are like wives. I don’t care if a guy has one, but don’t bring them into the bedroom.

4. Josh Duggar
Josh Duggar was one of the- (Editor: Seriously, Dominic? We’re really going to do this?)

Yes, we are.

Josh was one of the children on the series 19 Kids and Counting, a reality show piece of extremist Christian propaganda about some people who had lots of children. Josh represented himself forward as a model of young Christian manhood who described his family as the “epitome of conservative values. So it was no surprise to find out he was a porn addict who cheated on his wife and molested his sisters. Oh, and he also reportedly assaulted an actress. So yes, he’s vile but look at it this way – if he’s sexing with me he won’t be doing all those awful things. Apart from cheating on his wife but hey, you can’t have everything.

5. Brandon Spikes
Mr Spikes is an American football linebacker, whatever the hell that means. In 2012 Mr Spikes tweeted that “I’m homophobic just like I’m arachnophobic. I have nothing against homosexuals or spiders but I’d still scream if I found one in my bathtub!”. He subsequently claimed this was a joke, which is funny because that’s not how jokes work. You see, if you scream when you see a spider that means you really are arachnophobic so if you scream when you see a gay man that means you’re…

Homophobic, Brandon. It means you’re homophobic.

There are naked pictures of Brandon online, leaked by a hookup which I won’t post because I believe pictures taken for private purposes should remain private. Except this guy is homophobic so here they are.

6. Matt Mitrione
“That is a lying, sick, sociopathic, disgusting freak. And I mean that”. That’s how UFC fighter Matt Mitrione described fellow fighter Fallon Fox, who had come out as transgender. Mitrione later described his comment as ugly and he was supported by  a gay cousin who declared he had never heard Matt say something that was “in any way homophobic, derogatory or demeaning to the GLBT (sic) community”. Except that bit where he called Fallon Fox a lying, sick sociopathic, disgusting freak. For most people an apology would take someone off their “awful” list however, I believe in forgive, but don’t forget. Just kidding, I never forgive anyone. Fuck you, Matt.

And I mean that literally.

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