7 Islands We’ll Happily Be Sent To

You probably won’t know politician Louie Gohmert’s name but you will know what he said. He’s the Republican (of course) from Texas (of course!) who recently reiterated what he said last year, that he wants to send gays and lesbians to an island. Or islands to be exact…

“… if you want a long-term study on what’s the best building block for the family, you can take couples, man and wife couples, put them on an island where they have everything they need to sustain a society. Take all male couples, put them on an island, everything they need to survive. Take all women couples, put them on an island, and all they need to survive. Come back in 100 years and see which building block has been most effective in perpetuating their society and I think it’ll tell you all you need to know.”

Of course, Louie Gohmert’s premise is flawed mainly because putting heterosexual couples up against same sex couples in what is essentially a breeding competition is a stacked race. Unless you referring to that other kind of “breeding” in which case the gay men will be winning the gold. While the straights might be able to repopulate but that’s no guarantee they will necessarily perpetuate their society or that their society will be worth perpetuating. A society without homosexuals? Who will gentrify dilapidated neighborhoods?

Hateful people regularly want to abandon minority groups on islands – whether it’s gays, lesbians, people with HIV, new immigrants or criminals. On the plus side if nobody had done the last one with Australia the world never would have got Kylie Minogue.

If the Gohmerts of the world ever seize control and get their wish we gays should at least get a choice as to what island in the world we’re being abandoned on. Here are 7 that would make our shortlist.

1. Providenciales
A British Overseas Territory that is part of the Turks and Caicos Islands, Providenciales lies in the Bahamas chain. Often making “Best Islands in the World” travelling lists this paradise features is a beach-lovers dream – white sand, azure water and miles of stunning coral reefs, accessible from shore. If you need a break from lying around then go check out the remnants from when Caribbean pirates used the island. You never know – another guy doing the same might give you “permission to board”.


2. Ibiza
Located off the east coast of Spain this Mediterranean outcrop has a reputation as a party island and you know the gays will continue that legacy. But it’s not all bars and nightclubs, large portions of the island are designated a World Heritage Site, with areas of both natural and cultural significance. In summer the thermometer can go to 40°C (104°F) and global warming will push that even higher. That means Ibiza’s golden sand beaches will get very hot but then again there’s all that cool blue water to frolic in.


3. Mauritius
Off the southeast coast of Africa is the Republic of Mauritius, home to the world’s third largest coral reef and a huge variety of flora and fauna that exists only on this one island. Mauritius was once the home of the now extinct dodo. Since we gay men can’t reproduce we’ll equally also go extinct, at least on this island. Or will we? Remember, over on Straight Island they’ll be reproducing and that means brand new gays who presumably will get shipped over to us the moment they come out.

Ile Maurice

4. New Zealand
This is a cheat because New Zealand is made up of many islands – the two largest are known as the North Island and the South Island. New Zealand: not know for its creativity in naming islands. But within those islands are packed beaches, mountains, lakes, plains, desert and forests – there’s literally something for everyone. Everyone except those that like snakes – New Zealand has none, nor any medium or large sized predators. Yes, you can bone in the wild all you like without a bear attacking you – unless it’s a bear of the huskily-built male human variety in which case you might get mauled.


5. Mykonos
This Greek island benefits from its Mediterranean location. It’s not just sunny and warm – the sun shines 300 days a year – but it’s awash with picturesque architecture. Also pelicans are the island’s official mascots. Who doesn’t love pelicans?! The large rocks that dot the island are said to be the petrified testicles of giants killed by Hercules. If their balls were that big imagine how huge their penises were!


6. Maui
Want an island heaven with a CostCo? Look no further than Maui, an island of the USA state Hawaii. Maui boasts fantastic diving, beaches, rain forests, active volcanoes AND also most of the things that make the USA great. Like the aforementioned Costco. And Taco Bell. Little Beach on the island is famous as a nude beach but we imagine the gays will turn every beach into a naked one.


7. St Kitts and Nevis
This nation consists of two islands in the West Indes (which is at the bottom of the Caribbean). The indigenous people named St Kitts “Liamuiga” which translates as “fertile land”. As you might imagine being in the West Indes makes this a temperate paradise – average temperatures range between 28°C (82°F) and 24°C (74°F). The two islands are shaped like a baseball ball and a ball – but they could also pass for a penis and a bumhole. There couldn’t be two more appropriately shaped islands for a gay population.StKitts

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