It’s only days before Halloween and you still haven’t organized a costume for the big party, have you? Rather than go as yet another “sexy” anything we’ve compiled a list of topical gay-themed costume ideas that will ensure your costume gets you noticed for all the right reasons.
1. Kim Davis’ Husband
We guarantee that Kim Davis will be the home-made gay costume of 2015 – just a wig, oversized clothes and a pair of those reading glasses you buy from the supermarket and you’re the same-sex-marriage-denier. People are even going as that blonde woman who was constantly shown sitting next to Davis and inspired the year’s funniest parody Twitter.
We suggest you dig even deeper and go as Kim Davis’ second husband, which is also her fourth husband. And maybe the guy she committed adultery with, that family is messier than a daytime soap clan. People will mistake you for an overgrown Tom Sawyer so you may need to hire Ted Cruz to lurk behind you all night – he won’t mind, he needs all the exposure he can get.
2. Bruce Jenner
Caitlyn Jenner is apparently the hottest store bought costume this year but if you want to stand out going as classic Bruce Jenner will win you the gold. It’ll help if you spell J-E-N-N-E-R on the back of your shirt, otherwise everyone will assume you just dropped by the party after being at the gym. In 1976.
Caution: If you dress up as Bruce you will be accused of being transphobic but you’re going to get accused of that if you dress up as Caitlyn Jenner and we prefer not to have our testicles stuffed inside our body while we’re getting shamed.
3. The Flight Attendant Azalea Banks Called a Fucking Faggot
Azalea Banks is famous for…well we only know about her because she keeps calling men faggots. One of the top 10 most famous times she did this was on a Delta Flight where she wrestled a harried flight attendant for a bag. That poor attendant deserves to immortalized. This outfit is a snap – just a navy suit, white shirt, red tie and homemade Delta pin.
Alternatively you can invite a real Delta flight attendant over for sex, tie him up and steal his clothes. Actually, we don’t advise you do that – the stealing his clothes part we mean. We totally advise you to invite one over for sex and tie him up, sexy tying up.
4. A Gay Wedding Cake
Just when you think the “I won’t make a gay wedding cake” saga is over it pops up from oblivion like a homophobic Michael Myers. Since last Halloween we won the right to get married in Ireland, the USA, parts of Mexico and even the Pitcairn Islands. What better way to celebrate this than to dress up as a giant cake?
Granted there may be better ways to celebrate but this is the one that involves you dressing up as cake and next to sex, cake is our favourite thing in the world. Okay, cake beats sex.
5. James Bond
First, as Skyfall intimated, it’s unlikely a master spy like Bond would be straight – good spies use everything at their disposal, including their genitals. Second, fuck you Roger Moore. If we want to imagine we can be James Bond we’ll imagine it. We know Bond won’t be gay anytime soon. But we can dream. We can also go to Halloween parties dressed in a James Bondesque tuxedo and make out with every hot guy there. Because protest kissing.
6. Jack Merridew’s Mother
YouTuber Jack Merridew made waves when he tried on a bunch of revealing Halloween costumes and had his mother rate them. Jack is charming in a CW-leading-guy kind of way but his mother is where the real fun lies. She’s adorable, gamely rating even his most revealing outfits. Don’t forget to carry a bowl of candy all night and wander around judging costumes. Oh, you were going to do that anyway?
By the way, Jack has a sexy older brother (below right). That has nothing to do with Halloween, we just thought you should know.
7. Adele’s Flip-phone
The one good thing about Adele’s new single Hello is that it’s given us a great idea for a costume. The internet blew up wondering why Adele was using a flip phone in her video and equally everyone will be wondering why you are dressed as a piece of outdated technology. For some unknown reason lots of gay men love Adele so this is sure to be a hit.
Alternatively you could go as singer/actor Tristan Wilds, who is the piece of beef in the Hello video. Talented Tristan is known for his stints on The Wire and 90210 and has been nominated for a Grammy so there’s plenty of room for your imagination.
But no matter what costume you choose this year, remember one thing: all those guys wearing “sexy” costumes have no pockets – so where are they storing their wallets? Happy Halloween everybody!