Christmas is fast approaching and with it comes the problem of what to give your husband/boyfriend/fuckbud/man you stalk. As everybody knows we gay guys all have unlimited disposal income and lavish tastes so we can’t just buy the common crap straight people give each other. The staff at Himsical perused Amazon, mainly because we love shopping but hate interacting with others, and found seven expensive gift ideas for the discerning homo in your life.
1. Audemars Piguet Tourbillon Rose Gold Men’s Watch
If there’s one thing the Swiss know how to do it’s make watches. Actually, the list of things they know how to do is headed by “help people hide money in anonymous bank accounts” and “not fight Nazis”, but crafting great watches definitely places in their top ten.
This handsome timepiece comes in an 18-carat pink gold case with matching wristband. The face features sapphire crystal glass and pink gold luminescent time markers with a midnight blue backing that features “Petite Tapisserie” pattern. For you peasants who don’t speak French that literally translates to “Compensating For Small Penis”. It winds manually, however, and for that amount of money we would have expected something that wound itself, or the services of a butler to wind it for life. Still, nothing screams “I’m rich” quite like an expensive watch that you only wear to show everyone what a dick you are.
2. Nike Air Yeezy 2NRG
Presenting the ugliest pair of sneakers money can buy! Yes, even uglier than that vomit colored pair you bought at Walmart when you went on holiday and left your own sneakers at home.
For any man who has inexplicably wanted to put a part of their body inside Kanye West here’s your chance! As the name suggests Yeezy himself came up with this design. He has terrible taste – look who he married – and it shows in this totally so-ugly-that-they-have-to-be-expensive sneakers. Amazon advertises this footwear with classy descriptors such as “Synthetic” and “Durable” so you know you’re getting something really exclusive! Just do it!
3. HOMMAGE Monte Carlo Shave Set
The website says it best: “The HOMMAGE story begins with a simple premise: design a unique experience for men seeking a distinct personal grooming ritual to complement their lifestyle and transcend the everyday.” And you thought shaving was just something you had to rush through in the shower.
This kit consists of a platinum cut-throat razor, badger-hair brush and stand, all in an accessory box that has a hygrometer built into it. Google tells us a hygrometer is a device that measure humidity. No idea why it’s there but maybe a “distinct personal grooming ritual” can only take place when there is a certain moisture content in the air. Or maybe you’re just meant to be excited you now possess a hygrometer. Don’t worry, no live badgers were harmed in producing those brushes. The live badgers were all murdered first, then had the hair torn from their bodies.
4. 2003 Latour Bordeaux Wine 1.5L
A large percentage of gay men are alcoholics and there’s nothing better you can give someone committed to drinking than wine! The lush in your life will certainly appreciate this 2003 blend of 81% Cabernet Sauvignon, 18% Merlot, 1% Petit Verdot and 100% Bullshit.
One online review describes it as “A very flamboyant and exciting Latour. Sliced black truffles, sweet leather, spices, and dark fruits on the nose.” What the fuck that means only wine snobs know and frankly, alcoholics aren’t as concerned with quality as they are with quantity but when you’re rich you can afford to give them both! By our calculations a case of twelve would only set you back $36,882! Drink up, lushes!
5. 24K Gold Merino Wool Socks
Toy boys are so difficult to buy for? But we bet the young plaything in your life will love a car! You can trick him on Christmas day by hiding the keys to his new BMW inside a pair of socks. He’ll think all he’s getting is some measly small gift. After he calms down from screaming and throwing vases at the wall won’t his face be red!
Here’s the perfect pair of socks to hide that key inside. Makers, Young Hearted Socks, have crafted these dress socks with Italian spun superfine merino wool, woven with a honeycome design of 24-karat gold. “Keeping with the spirit of our brand,” they say “We are donating 10% of the proceeds to the Atlanta Children’s Shelter to assist in holiday essentials for the less fortunate”. So buy 20 pairs and help an orphan get an extra plate of gruel!
6. Heys USA Biocase 20 Inch Suitcase
Wealthy gay men are always jetting off to glamorous destinations – like San Francisco, with its homeless people and Thailand, with its young men who look REALLY underage but actually aren’t so it’s legit to sex them. Send your gay friends off on sex holidays in style with this rolling polycarbonate suitcase. It has a finger print biometric lock. If that’s anything like the iPhone thumbprint lock your friend will never be able to get into it – but at least their luggage will be safe from light fingered TSA officials.
This is the perfect hold-all for everything a gay man might take on holiday – sex toys, dozens of pairs of shoes, the collected works of Oscar Wilde, even more shoes and 600 thread count sheets because the linen in the hotel will be awful. The Biocase 20 inch comes in silver and is made in China, so you know it’s a quality product!
7. Modart A60-G CNC Milled Golfing Iron
There’s no sport more suited to rich assholes than golf so impress your gay golfing pal with a club that set you back almost 4K. Modart is a relatively new brand so you’ll be ahead of the field.
We would summarize the specs for this item but truly it is like reading Sanskrit. “Thinner sole area with less offset for workability and appeal.” We suspect Modart just pointed at words in a dictionary then put them into a sentence. With 14 clubs in any golf set an entire bag would set you back around $56,000. Then you need a bag. And balls. And surprise your gay with his own golf cart – for only $9,665! Get in quick, there’s only one left in stock…