For people who are stuck in bad relationships there is no greater indignity than Valentine’s Day. You need to fulfill the expectation of giving your significant other something – or suffer the consequences for the rest the year – yet the very act of having to buy a meaningful gift for someone you no longer love fills you with self-loathing.
But you can have your February 14 cake and throw it in the trash! Here are some ideas for gifts that on the surface say “Happy Valentine’s Day” but underneath scream “If I could murder you and get away with it I would”.
1. Cheap or Horrible Chocolates
Nothing says “I love you” better than chocolates. Nothing says “I hate you but I need to pretend I love you’” like awful tasting chocolates. Whether you go the “cheapest box in the store” or “chocolates in disgusting flavors” route is up to you. If contemplating the latter you can get Kit Kats in flavors like Baked Potato, Red Bean Paste and Sports Drink from Japan. From Austria comes a Peanuts and Ketchup bar. You can also buy chocolate flavored with pig’s blood from Xocolati de David from Portland, Oregon, USA. No, you don’t buy those chocolate anuses you’ve seen advertised. That’s an actual “fuck you”, not a “fuck you disguised as love you”.
2. Really Ugly Jewelry
This is basically “horrible chocolates” for people who like shiny stuff. What kind of bling does the object of your disaffection prefer – rings, pendants, bracelets, earrings? Go out and find the most expensive but ugliest piece that’s within your budget. It’s the perfect passive-aggressive gift – the cost tells them you care but the ugliness sends a totally different message.
3. What I Love About You Fill In the Blank Book
This disgustingly sappy book has phrases like “You deserve the [blank] award” and “I’m kind of obsessed with your [blank].”
You’re meant to fill in those gaps with loving thoughts but leave it empty and after they open it, innocently claim “Was I supposed to do that? Sorry!”.
4. A Cookbook With Lots of Recipes For Things They Don’t/Can’t Eat
This will only work with someone who doesn’t like a certain food or has a specific sensitivity. Let’s use “meat” as an example. The trick is not to give your vegetarian partner the Fun With Meat cookbook but a book that has a very high percentage of non-vegetarian recipes so that most the tome is useless to them. Make sure you inscribe the front with something underhandedly hateful like “Because I care so much”.
5. Scented Candle
There’s no better way to passively-aggressively tell someone you think they stink than to provide them with something meant to mask a stench. Plus there are some really headache inducing smells out there.
Of course, this idea won’t work is they’re someone who actually likes scented candles, in which case just give them an unscented candle. Or lard with a piece of string in it.
6. Underwear That Doesn’t Suit Them
Everybody has style and color of underwear they prefer and, conversely, styles and colors they hate. Sexy underwear they like says “I want you”. Sexy underwear they hate says “I want you to die”. Ensure you “lose” the receipt so they can’t exchange the gift. Bonus point: Buy it two sizes too big – you’ll be subconsciously telling them you think they’re huge.
7. Part Five of a Really Long Book Series They Don’t Read
“Oh, I thought you were a fan”.
8. A Donation To Charity
“Gifting” someone charitable donations in their name is the crème de la crème of passive-aggressiveness. To add to this burn make sure the charity sounds worthy but has a reputation for misusing funds – there are lots to choose from. If that’s too complicated just give a village a goat in their name. Everybody hates goats. Even villages.