Kids Incorporated was a 1980s-1990s sitcom about a group of children who were sent from a dystopian future on a mission to reduce overpopulation by poisoning humanity’s opinion of young people. (Editor’s Note: that is not true).
The titular tykes put on shows at a club. The racier songs were sometimes, and sometimes not, sanitised. Either way, the results were often hilarious, and hilariously inappropriate.
1. So Emotional (Whitney Houston)
“I remember the way that we touched, I wish I didn’t like it so much” becomes “I remember the way that we hugged, I wish I didn’t like it so much”. Hugging is a form of touching, girl-Fergie, so…
2. Prove Your Love (Taylor Dayne)
“I want to hear your body talk to mine” becomes “I want to see your body dance with mine”. Just how do you see your body dance with someone else? In a mirror? By dying, then ghostly watching someone waltz with your corpse? And why do you want to see it, girl-Fergie, why?!
3. Tell It To My Heart (Taylor Dayne)
We can’t have pre-teens singing filthy lyrics like “The passion’s so complete, it’s never-ending. As long as I receive the message you’re sending. Body to body, soul to soul, always feel you near” – can we? Oh, apparently, we can.
4. Smooth Criminal (Michael Jackson)
“Let’s have the kids sing that new Michael Jackson song!”
“Does it have any sex it in?”
“No, but a strange man breaks into a house, leaves bloodstains on the carpet, and strikes down a woman called Annie.”
“Oh, that’ll be fine!”
5. Billie Jean (Michael Jackson)
Roll up, roll up! Hear a prepubescent boy insist that “Billie Jean is not my lover” and equally that “the kid is not my son”. Mary Kay Letourneau has a lot to answer for.
6. Band Of Gold (Freda Payne)
“You took me from the shelter of a mother, I had never known or loved any other. We kissed after taking vows, but that night on our honeymoon, we stayed in separate rooms.” Child brides! Underage sex! Not having underage sex!
7. Pink Cadillac (Natalie Cole)
“I just wonder what you do there in the back of your pink cadillac”. Son, your parents need to have “the talk” with you…
8. Physical (Olivia Newton John)
The altered lyrics here are a triumph in awkwardness that can only be enjoyed in full:
I’m saying all the things that I know you’ll like, make a little conversation
I gotta handle you just right, you know what I mean
I took you to a wonderful restaurant, then to an expensive movie
There’s nothing left to talk about, baby you and me
Let’s get physical, physical, I wanna get physical, let’s get into physical
Let me hear your body talk, your body talk, let me hear your body talk
I’ve been patient, I’ve been good, trying to keep my cards on the table
It’s gettin’ hard just holdin’ back, you know what I mean
I’m sure you’ll understand my point of view, we know each other mentally
There’s nothin’ left to talk about, baby you and me
So this is totally still about boning, right?