There is nothing sweeter than the thrill of a new message from a hot guy, and nothing more crushing than discovering that what he wrote is awful. Here are 9 first messages that will have you hurling your smartphone across the room.
1. Want to pay for sex with a young guy?
There is zero shame in charging for sex; after all they say you should do what you love. But it’s presumptuous to assume that you’re in demand just because of your age.
Suggested reply: Do you accept the Macy’s store card?
2. Hey, faggot
While “faggot” has largely been reclaimed its use comes with guidelines and randomly tossing it at a stranger isn’t in the rules. Firing it off so quickly means you’ve lessened the impact when you whip it out during humiliation play and can be mistaken for an invitation to begin the sex session immediately.
Suggested reply: Shut your cocksucking mouth, cum whore.
3. Got drugs?
This is just like that person who turns up at a potluck dinner empty handed then steals all the shrimp. Don’t be that person. Don’t even be the person who turns up with a bag of off-brand corn chips. We see you trying to sneak that bag of chips onto the table without anyone noticing! Here’s the golden rule about drugs: if you’re desperate to get baked then you’re responsible for supplying the ingredients.
Suggested reply: No, and if I did I wouldn’t share them with you.
4. That photo really you?
Some men do post misleading profile pictures but when you start a conversation with an accusation of fraud all you’ll do is scare off the one in five guys who really is that unbelievably hot. Disclaimer: an accusation is acceptable if the profile picture is obviously Nick Jonas. Nick Jonas doesn’t need to be on a hook up app, he has enough gay men throwing themselves at him already.
Suggested reply: No, I believe photographs steal your soul.
5. Can I be your boyfriend?
As far as opening lines go this comes across as slightly desperate. And slightly blocking-you-now.
Suggested reply: Of course. Quick question – what are your thoughts on cannibalism?
6. Does your husband know you’re on here?
This is annoying when asked of men with a face picture in their profile advertising they’re in an open relationship. It’s also annoying because someone else’s relationship is none of your damn business.
Suggested reply: I don’t know, but he’s right here, I’ll put him on and you can ask him yourself.
7. Into scat?
Candidness is admirable but there are some topics that are simply unsuitable for opening conversation. Using poop in sex is one of these. In case anyone is wondering other similar ill-advised openers include asking about necrophilia, incest or whether dogs are better than cats. Everybody knows cats are the superior animal.
Suggested reply: Absolutely not. Jazz music is deplorable.
8. Can you help me move to your country?
This is effectively ‘Can I be your boyfriend: International Edition’. Disclaimer: this is acceptable if the sender is an attractive refugee. We need to give attractive refugees all the assistance they can get.
Suggested reply: Sorry, I’m already doing something that day.
9. Let’s fuck
Actually, depending on who sent it, this may not be annoying at all.
Suggested reply: Yes.