A profile picture is your advertisement to the world. Choosing the right image will get you views, typically not nearly as many as you’d like. Choosing wrong, however, will leave you with nothing but disappointment. Here’s 9 types of profile pictures that will guarantee your inbox remains empty.
1. The Quote
Nobody comes to dating apps to see inspirational quotes. Or even suggestive quotes. Anyway 50 Shades of Grey ruined sexy writing for everybody. It also ruined the colour grey. And the number 50.
2. The Landscape
Yes, that beach scene is delightful but unless it’s a clue as to where you want to meet then dispense with the landscapes. Also don’t bother posting an image of a wall or floor, unless you are actually a wall or a floor, in which case you’re on the wrong app.
3. The “I’m In the Picture But Not In the Picture” Picture
We want to see you, enough of you to decide whether we want to sex you. Showing us a part of you or hiding your face isn’t like a striptease where we want to see more. It’s like a striptease where we kind of want you to keep your clothes on.
A subset of this category is the “I’m So Far In The Distance As To Be Tiny” Picture. The shortest recorded human is history was Chandra Bahadur Dangi, reaching only 54.6cm (1ft 9 1/2inches). Are you Chandra? No, you are not because he’s dead. Since we’ve established you are not Chandra then stop making us squint to see if that smudge in the distance is a person.
4. The ‘I Thought This Was Pretty’ Picture
You might love that lovely picture of a lion or a vase of flowers or tree but for everyone else it’s just another thing to skip across. This goes for buildings, even phallic ones.
Men don’t care if the pretty image carries a deep significance for you. Well, men might care but they won’t know until they meet you and that photo of a tree doesn’t make them want to meet you.
5. The Witty Picture
The hilarious meme. The not-as-hilarious-as-you-think-it-is meme. The picture of the guy with a huge rooster. These things should be saved for Facebook. Why is that picture of the guy with the rooster funny anyway? Is it that the rooster is freakishly big? Is it that he has a bird on a leash? Is it the man’s silly hat?
6. The 420 Picture
We get it, you’re into weed. You know who else was into weed? Hitler.
7. The Sideways/Upside Down Picture
If you’re so stupid that you don’t know to use the rotate function then you shouldn’t be legally allowed to date
8. The Picture of You With A Woman
This is about you men using a photo you and your best girfriend as your profile picture. Look we’re fond of women – we came out of one. But it’s not sexist to want some places to be female-free. Women get their own gyms, we gay men get our female-free hook up apps. In fact, we should also get our own gyms. Now that the fight for gay marriage is largely won that should be our next battle.
9. The Blank
If you can’t be bothered to upload a profile picture then we’re left to think there’s lots else you can be bothered to do – like bathe. You’re worth more than the placeholder image they put in these profiles. You’re worth at least a picture of a lion. Or a phallic building.