Adele’s album 25 has now broken every music record in history. But lost in the hoopla is that fact that the album is essentially the same as her previous one, including songs about her ex who done her wrong, a guy she broke up with years and years ago. One second, she’s saying she’s over him then next she’s merrily dedicating Fuck You songs to him. Girl, it’s way past time to sing about something else. Just in case you’re suffering writer’s block here are some song topics to get you started.
People sing about just about everything that comes out of our bodies – tears, sweat, spit, semen – but poop gets sadly ignored. The power of excrement shouldn’t be underestimated – when we can’t make it, or make too much, it totally consumes our lives. Poop may be the perfect transition topic for Adele considering that leaving a burning a bag of it on someone’s porch is the perfect “fuck you”. Personally I prefer my poop not flaming but Ms Adkins sang about torching rain so she’s clearly got the heart of an arsonist.
Potential song title: Set Fire to the Poop
Adele is famously foul-mouthed so a song about how much she loves to swear should come easily to her. She might need to record a clean version to keep the studio execs happy, though for Adele “clean” probably means only saying “cocksucker” twice instead of thirty times.
Potential song title: Chasing Profanities
Cancer is awful, unless it happens to someone like Hitler. But the Hitlers of the world never get cancer. Have you noticed that? Good people get sick while people like Rupert Murdoch and Donald Trump live forever. Go home, justice, you’re drunk. That said, Hitler having cancer would actually make a great film. Adele totally must sing the title track. I smell another Oscar in her future!
Potential song title: Tumour Has It
Inventors of some of the world’s most commonplace and useful things don’t receive nearly enough credit and one such person is Dr Harry Coover, inventor of Superglue. Without his invaluable discovery we would have nothing to MacGyver wounds closed in emergencies or stick stuff to clothes during the Project Runway unconventional challenge. Superglue deserves more love, a love ballad – and we all know how good Adele is at ballads.
Potential song title: Someone Like Superglue
The Fur Industry
Vegetarian Adele has shown that fake fur coats can be glamorous. She would likely relish the opportunity to tell the world that slaughtering animals for their pelts is evil. Animals should only be killed for two reasons: food for those of us who need bacon, and in cases where they’re telepathically controlling you.
Potential song title: Spurning Sables
When you move somewhere new you get your mail redirected, like any decent human being. But the old occupant doesn’t so for the next ten years you get all their mail, which is just catalogues to low-end department stores and debt collection notices. Someone ought to write a song about how annoying that is. That someone should be Adele.
Potential song title: Send Your Mail (To Your New Address)
Who doesn’t love goats? They stink and have horns that can stab you. There are hardly any songs about them so I’m putting them on the list.
Potential song title: Hello Goat
For all the good things they do vaginas remain sadly underappreciated. A “cunt” is still the worst thing you can call someone, nowhere near as bad as calling them a “dick” or even an “asshole”. The vagina needs allies and Adele could provide support, possibly in the way of a charity single designed to raise money to rehabilitate the pussy’s reputation.
Potential song title: Make You Feel My Vagina
Insomnia is THE most annoying thing in the world, and remember Taylor Swift exists. You’re exhausted but your brain won’t stop whirring. It’s like you’re possessed or you’re being mind controlled by an animal. Insomnia always happens when you have a big presentation at work the next day and you need a whole night’s sleep. But it’s 2am and you’re tossing and turning because every time you close your eyes you think about something awful that happened twenty years ago and suddenly you’re wide awake. Adele is a genius turning pain into beautiful music so she’s the ideal choice to tackle a song about those restless nights.
Potential song title: Rolling in the Sleep