9 New Topics For Sam Smith To Sing About

Sam Smith is famous for being the most depressing singer that Earth has ever produced. He is also touring at the moment, inflicting his turgid dirges about how sad he is on the unsuspecting public. Mr Smith is miserable whether he’s singing about being heartbroken, being heartbroken, or his favourite topic, being heartbroken.

Even winning an Oscar, Golden Globe, AMA, JUNO, Brit Award, Billboard Music Award, and Grammy hasn’t cheered up Sammy. He just keeps churning out laments for people who are unable to leave their homes due to a recent nervous breakdown.

However, there is hope even for someone whose whole thing is hopelessness. I’ve already provided new topics for songbirds Adele and Taylor Swift. Here are some subjects Sam Smith can warble about that don’t involve depression.

Knowledge of LGBTQ History
Smith is notoriously uninformed about gay history. He stands on the shoulders of generations of men and women who literally died for his rights – and he acts like they were giving him a boost at a rock concert. Get goke, Sam. That’s being woke about gay stuff, something you’d know if you didn’t think you’d invented homosexuality.
Potential Song Title – Gay With Me

Goke, Sam, goke.

Celibacy
If his real life is as miserable as his songs make it sound then this shouldn’t be a difficult subject for Smith. But before he swears off sexy stuff for good he should throw himself into one final hook-up. Then he can whine about how bad it was.
Potential Song Title – One Last Dong

Correct Labelling On Gym Equipment
Gymnasiums are potential death traps. Therefore, it’s essential that all the equipment there is properly labelled so that you can avoid injury. This is especially true of medicine balls as they look like normal balls but then you pick them up and they’re really heavy. Which is annoying.
Potential Song Title – The Writing’s On The Medicine Ball

Apparently there is a medicine ball in this picture.

Rabbits
Who doesn’t love rabbits? They’re adorable balls of fur and disease that breed rapidly thus becoming huge pests in any environment where they are introduced. We need far more tunes about them.
Potential Song Title – Bunny On My Mind

It’s so fluffy!!!!

The Preponderance of Men Married To One of Your Children
Sons-in-law perform an exceptionally important role in any family. For one, your child could not be “married” without them. For another, if they’re burly they can be useful when it comes time to move furniture. And also to look at. If they’re not burly then I’m sure there’s still stuff they can do. Light gardening. Sand art. Calligraphy.
Potential Song Title – I’m Not The Only Son-In-Law

Hunting
There are very few songs about man’s desire to wander around forests and shoot innocent animals. And Sam Smith seems the outdoorsy type, right?
Potential Song Title – Prey

Apparently there is an outdoors in this picture.

High Energy Dancing
What could be more uplifting than dancing to an uptempo beat? And if anyone could use lifting up then it’s Sam “Even Kittens Playing With Yarn Couldn’t Cheer Me Up” Smith.
Potential Song Title – Like I Can-Can

The Use of Clarified Butter
This should need no explanation. Clarified butter is criminally misunderstood. Some people have probably have no idea what it is! Which is sad because you can use clarified butter in so many ways, for…and…then there’s… Yay for clarified butter!
Potential Song Title – Lay Ghee Down

How To Knot A Necktie
Do you know how many people are unable to knot a necktie? Then please write in and let me know.
Potential Song Title – Too Good At Windsor Ties

Apparently there is a necktie in this picture.

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