Taylor Swift’s new single is called Look What You Made You Do. And what she’s about to make us all do is buy her upcoming album Reputation.
Look What You Made Me Do contains all the typical Swiftisms we’ve come to expect.
Lyrics about how a two-faced person stabbed her in the back? Check:
I don’t like your perfect crime
How you laugh when you lie
Lyrics about how the pain almost killed her but she ascended, phoenix-like, from her hell? Check:
But I got smarter, I got harder in the nick of time
Honey, I rose up from the dead, I do it all the time
Lyrics about how, although she’s past it, she’s still up for some revenge? Check:
The world moves on, another day, another drama, drama
But not for me, not for me, all I think about is karma
If Tay Tay was truly concerned about her reputation she would do other than complain how somebody done her wrong and now they have to pay.
Every creative can get stuck in a rut, but Ms Swift needn’t be so mired. Here are some topics she can sing about that don’t involve retribution.
The Television Show Glee
Only two of Taylor’s songs were featured on Glee – Mine and Mean – but since the show ended in 2015 it missed being able to cover the songs of her mega-hit album, 1989. We can only dream what might have been – fashionable Kurt trying on Style, Rachel and Santana dueling on Bad Blood, Unique finding a way Out of the Woods. The cast of Glee can’t remake Taylor’s songs but she can sing about them.
Potential song title: You Belong With Glee
Without boats there would have been no way for groups of people to cross lakes, seas and oceans. This would have significantly altered the history of our world, so it’s only right someone like T-Swizzle should compose an ode to this travel mode.
Potential song title: Today Was a Ferry Tale
Singer-actor Aubrey Drake Graham doesn’t need more publicity since he is by far currently the most famous person named after a water fowl. However, perhaps that’s what the song should be about – the fact that sometimes less Drake is more.
Potential song title: Drake It Off
Using clay to make house wares dates back to 20,000BC in China. Is that how pottery came to be called “china”? I’m sure we’ll learn the truth when Taylor writes a song about it.
Potential song title: Blank Vase
We previously suggested that Adele yodel about poop but it’s not because we’re fecalpheliacs. Bowel and colon cancer kill hundreds of thousands of people every year. It’s time Ms Swift used her privileged position to educate the world about colorectal health.
Potential song title: Look What You Make Me Doo-doo
Fact: No song containing the word “mittens” has ever appeared on the US Hot 100. Okay, that’s probably a fact. Certainly there’s been no hit about the importance of protecting your hands in the cold. Time to break another record, Swifty!
Potential song title: Glove Story
Having Nightmares in the Eastern Standard Time Zone
This is a thing that happens, probably. Or at least it’s a thing that perfectly sets up a punny song title.
Potential song titles: Wild EST Dreams
Who doesn’t hate bats? They look like an insane geneticist mixed up five different animals and they’re hosts for rabies. We definitely need more songs about how terrible they are.
Potential song title: We Are Never Ever Getting Bats Together
In the past outer space was something that fascinated children but today’s youth only want to play with their gluten-free Snapchats and gender fluid fidget spinners. What we need is a song from a celebrity about how awesome star-gazing can be!
Potential song title: I Knew You Were the Hubble Telescope