A Nude Beach Guide For Gay Men

Beaches are places we visit to relax and nothing is more relaxing than throwing off all your clothes.  But visiting a naked beach for the first time can be stressful – these places have unwritten codes.  Here’s a guide to help gay guys navigate the bare-all world of naked beaches.

1. DO try to find a gay male beach
There’s nothing as comfortable as being surrounded by a sea of penises.  Also gay male beaches tend to have far fewer children.  Because children.  Many mixed nude beaches have a “gay area” so look for the part with the fewest vaginas, usually the back end.  You know how gay men love the back end.

2. DON’T rubberneck
If you’re going to a nude beach, go there as a participant, not a creepy observer.  Don’t wander along it pretending to search for interesting seashells.  Everyone knows you’re there to leer.  If you want to see nude bodies then do what ordinary gay men do – surreptitiously check out other guys in the gym changing room.

3. DO take off all your clothes
Are you feeling self-conscious about your body?  Here’s a secret: everyone feels the same.  Even those men who you think look like models have body parts they don’t like.  Taking off all your clothes in public for the first time will seem strange.  You’ll feel like an siren is going to go off or a crowd of people will gather to point and laugh.  But when none of this takes place a wonderful thing will happen: being naked will feel ordinary.  After that moment you will never want to wear clothes again.  You will, however, need to wear clothes again.

4. DO bring shade, sunscreen and insect repellant.
This is good advice for any day at the beach but it’s especially true when you’re going a la naked.  Just because your genitals don’t normally see the sun doesn’t mean they are immune to its effects.

Might be sunburn, might be lizard person.

Might be sunburn, might be lizard person.

Remember to rub sunscreen EVERYWHERE.  Yes, even there.  If you’re the type that attracts insects then make sure you apply repellant.  You’re now naked meaning there’s even more uncovered skin for the pests to bite.  Having an ant bite the head of your penis is THE least pleasurable blow job in the world.

5. DON’T stare
Also, don’t point.  It’s rude.  You might be worried about where to look for about a minute but again, that will quickly pass.  Unless you’re just there to stare in which case reread #2.

6. DON’T worry if you crack a boner
Your penis may get a raise out of the flesh on display.  Don’t panic – just lie on your front or stay in the sea until you’re less X rated.  Resist the urge to play with it.  This is a beach, not an orgy.

7. DO act normal
Walk, run, swim, eat lunch, read a novel, listen to music, chat to the nice gay couple under the umbrella next to you, make sandcastles, bend over to pick up your cap – do everything you normally would on a clothed beach.  Except it will all be way more fun because you’re naked.  Don’t play beach frisbee – everybody hates guys who do that.

8. DO be judicious about taking photos
We all want to take pictures of ourselves having fun on the beach but on a naked beach different rules apply.  First, it’s fine to take photos but check the background before posting them online.  Because background nudity.  If you’re happy to take full frontals then more power to you.  But DON’T take photos of anyone else without their permission and certainly don’t take secret photos of hot beach-goers.  You’re now part of the nudist family and families respect each other’s privacy.  What happens on nude beach stays on nude beach.

9. DO realise you’re in public
Remember how we just said you’re now part of a family, well unfortunately families are awful.  You’re naked in a public place so you might get photographed, even if it’s just as accidental background penis.  What’s the absolute worst that could happen?  Google “naked gay beach pictures” – that’s the worst that could happen.   If you couldn’t live with that then perhaps naked beaches aren’t for you.

10. DON’T have sex in the middle of the beach
Believe it or not, everybody does not want to watch you fuck.  In fact, the list of people who want to watch you fuck is probably tiny.  Outdoor sex in porn looks good in porn because it’s highly artificial and photographed from flattering angles.  But real outdoor sex looks a lot like animals going at it.

That's one way to teach Junior the bird and the bees!

That’s one way to teach Junior the bird and the bees!

Beach sex also involves sand and that sand will get everywhere, especially if you are sticky and sweaty.  Plus, if you start sexing in the open the law might have something to say to you, something like “You have the right to remain silent”.

11. If the beach is deserted none of the rules apply
Take as many photos as you want.  Get endless erections.  Fuck yourself silly.  Good luck getting the sand out of your rectum.  We told you, it’s gets EVERYWHERE.

 

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