We’ve now listed 12 haters who we think are secretly gay but this topic is the gift that keeps giving, that gift being homophobes who love penises. These guys DESPISE us so hard that it’s got to be a desperate attempt to ensure no one thinks they’re gay themselves.
1. Mike Pence
Before Michael Richard Pence joined the SS Trumptanic he was Governor of Indiana, a state known solely for the song Gary, Indiana from The Music Man. Coincidentally the plot of The Music Man is literally what happened in the 2016 US election, but with added pussy grabbing. Pence has a long anti-gay history, saying that gay marriage would lead to “societal collapse” and that a law banning discrimination on the ground of sexual orientation was “a war on freedom and religion”. He is also a big fan of conversion therapy. In fact, he is such a fan he wanted Indiana taxpayers to fund this crackpot exercise designed to turn gay people straight. “Resources should be directed toward those institutions which provide assistance to those seeking to change their sexual behavior,” said Pence in 2000.
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: That ardent support for conversion therapy is a rainbow flag. The conversion therapy industry is littered with victims and hypocrites, the latter claiming to be cured of homosexuality while continuing to cruise for cock. Pence might be that closet homophobe who was sufficiently self-aware to try to rid himself of his urges. Dig into his background and we bet you’ll find a stint at Pray Away The Gay Camp. Also, he caused a ruckus when he attended the stage show Hamilton. What straight man goes to a Broadway musical?
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: Conversion camps. From all accounts those places are hopping with hookups.
Will be Outed: If the fake news story where Pence claimed conversion therapy saved his marriage was true we could have left Pence off this list. Instead we’re hoping it’s revealed he’s hooking up with a hunky member of his secret service.
2. Brian Tamaki
Self-annointed “Bishop” Brian Tamaki is infamous in his native New Zealand for his various homophobic pronouncements. In 1998 he set up Destiny Church, a conservative Christian
church cult styled on American prosperity hard-line fundamentalist religions. Tamaki organised a Nazi-esque march to protest legislation to make same sex civil unions legal.
He has blamed gays for the moral collapse of New Zealand society and the literal collapse of New Zealand – we’re to blame for local earthquakes. In 2009 at an event called MoMENtum male Destiny Church members swore an oath of loyalty to Tamaki and were given a special ring to wear on their right hands to symbolise their bond. Wait, these guys were AGAINST same sex unions?
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: He was good friends with another secretly gay homophobe Eddie Long, the fundamentalist pastor who in 2010 was sued by four men who claimed he forced them into sexual relationships. Tamaki’s 2002 autobiography contains a chapter about Long entitled “Spiritual Father – a long time coming”. Make of that what you will. We make it mean dirty stuff.
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: Those MoMENtum meetings are obviously a front for wild orgies. Come on, if you were organising a gay sex orgy MoMENtum would be high on your list of names.
Will be Outed: Does this guy need to be outed? That is not the hair of a heterosexual male.
3. Brian S. Brown
Roman Catholic and lizard-person-wearing-human-skin Brian S Brown founded the National Organisation For Marriage, a hate group that has worked to block the legalisation of marriage in the US. NOM was initially successful, helping pass anti-gay marriage initiatives Proposition 8 in California and Maine Question 1. Not content with spreading his hate locally Brown has worked to deny gay rights in France and Russia. In a Moscow roundtable on “traditional” values he said “Every child should have the right to have normal parents: a father and a mother”. How deeply is Brian Brown against gay marriage? When New York passed same sex marriage Brown wept. Of course, they could have been tears of joy…
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: NOM used the abbreviation “2M4M” for their “2 Million for Marriage” campaign. In perssonal ads “2M4M” is code for two men seeking a male sexual partner. Now that could just be a coincidence or it could be Brown secretly hoping for a threesome.
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: The bathrooms at international airports during his ‘I hate gays’ tours.
Will be Outed: By the first gay couple that realises the guy who answered their personal ad for a third looks a lot like that lizard-person-crying-guy.
4. Manny Pacquiao
Boxer turned boxer/politician has won eleven major world titles and is currently a member of the Philippine House of Representatives. He became immediately reviled earlier this year for claiming that same sex couples were “worse than animals”. He subsequently apologised then posted Bible verses from Leviticus and Corinthians – ones that say gays should be put to death. He’s gone back to saying sorry and saying that he’s praying for us but it’s hard to come back from “you all deserve to die”.
Possible Evidence That He’s Gay: He appeared shirtless on the cover of a gay porn magazine.
Place He’s Likely Looking For Sex: We’re guessing the whole boxing thing was just a convoluted way to spend a lot of time getting sweaty with other half-naked men, not to mention all that locker room action afterwards.
Will be Outed: When someone finally knocks some sense into his head and he admits that he’s the real animal – an animal in the gay sack!