We previously inputted the names of 6 current hit songs that kinda-sorta could be medical complaints into Isabel, an online symptom checker. The results were hilarious – and concerning – so we decided to send a new group of hits in for a checkup.
1. Stressed Out (twenty one pilots)
We predicted many of the diagnoses Isabel would generate: General Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Social Phobia and Substance Abuse. However, we weren’t expecting Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease, which is sometimes called a human version of mad cow disease. Or Hyperthyroidism which, as its name suggests, is when your thyroid goes hyper. The oddest suggestion was Pruritus Ani, which ordinary folk better know as ‘itchy bum-hole’.
Final prognosis: We don’t know how Isabel jumped from “stressed out” to “hemorrhoids” but use this cream for a week twenty one pilots and let us know if your discomfort subsides.
2. Love Yourself (Justin Bieber)
We chose this title because we thought it sounded like a psychological issue and, predictably, Isabel’s top diagnosis was Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which would seem to fit the Biebs. Second on the list was Delusional Disorder. It’s like she can see into his soul!
Final prognosis: Justin Bieber is narcissistic and delusional. His fans are merely the latter.
3. Out of the Woods (Taylor Swift)
Last time Isabel told us TayTay had the plague. This time our computer doctor suggested that Ms Swift’s time in the woods left her with Tick Fever, Frostbite or a scorpion sting. Where was she, the Amazon? We inputted this title because we thought Isabel might think Taylor has that disease that causes woody growths on your body but Isabel’s suggestions indicate it’s far more likely to be something common. Unless, of course, it’s not common…
Final prognosis: Stay away from Taylor Swift. She has the plague.
4. Hands To Myself (Selena Gomez)
Of course, Isabel focused on a variety of “hand” ailments – Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, Finger Fracture, and Erythromelalgia – which causes the hands to become red and swollen. Among the more curious diagnoses was Kawasaki disease, which has nothing to do with motorcyles and everything to do with inflamed blood vessels.
Isabel’s simplest diagnosis was warts and, as the Occam’s razor principle notes, the simplest solution is very often the correct one.
Final prognosis: We’re glad Selena is keeping her hands to herself. Nobody wants her warts.
5. White Iverson (Post Malone)
We chose this song because “white iverson” sounds like the name of a disease, or a delicious cocktail. First up was Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis, a rare disease that results in inflammation of the brain and spinal cord, and Pyelonephritism, a bacterial infection that typically travels up the urinary tract to the kidneys. To confirm the latter we’d need to know whether Mr Malone had been suffering from an infection in the pee-pee hole area.
Among the rare ailments it could be is Pelizaeus–Merzbacher disease which affects coordination, motor abilities, and intellectual function.
Final prognosis: Considering the way Mr Malone is stumbling around during the video for this song – it makes Drake’s Hotline Bling movements look like ballet – we may have just hit paydirt.
6. Stitches (Shawn Mendes)
We thought Isabel would have a thousand suggestions for this ailment – assuming she would think young Shawn had torn his stitches or got a wound infection after a recent operation.
Or maybe he just had stitch, that cramp you get from running. But no, when provided with this gift of a symptom Isabel had just one diagnosis: Primary Valve Deficiency. Needless to say we were immensely disappointed. That said, Mr Mendes might want to see a doctor – heart issues aren’t something you should ignore.
Final prognosis: Shawn should seek medical help immediately. He should also stay away from Taylor Swift. She had the plague.