Baby Love

We gays would like to report an alarming, and reprehensible, practice currently being perpetrated by perverts – pervertpetrated if you like.

These sickos are hellbent, nay just plain bent on grooming baby boys for induction into their sick lifestyle. They will not stop until they have converted every single male child in this world to…heterosexuality.

Clothes are one way that they impose their sexual proclivities upon those infants. They insist on dressing their young in outfits that make a sexual reference. Most often this message is about women’s genitalia.

They defiled Cookie Monster? Those…monsters!

Wait, breasts aren’t classified as ‘genitalia’? We’re into men – the female body isn’t exactly our expert subject. Point is, they’re determined to shove breasts into the faces of innocent baby boys.

And baby boys into the faces of breasts.

“But that’s natural!” they’ll say. “There’s nothing sexual about it.” 

Except when there is.

“The bigness is referring to the amount of milk in them!” they’ll cry.  “It’s not something crude like ‘Who’s boob do I have to suck to get a drink around here?” 

Answer: your mother’s. This is literally the plot of Oedipus Rex.

Imagine if we gay men dressed a baby boy in a onesie that read “Dude, your husband keeps checking me out”.

Yeah, that would be totally sick.

Social services would be at our homes in 10 minutes, tearing that child from our gay hands. Then giving said child to a man-woman couple who would immediately dress them in something appropriate.

So your wife is a pedophile?

Or something slightly less creepy, but still all kinds of bizarre.

Women love a guy with a wiener the size of a peanut.

You straights think us joking about the size of an infant’s penis is disgusting? Tell that to your  comrades who think dressing a baby in this is acceptable.

In the scheme of things, that’s really not a compliment…

And then a couple of years later they’ll be putting the two-year old in this.

So your daddy has a micropenis?

Clearly you’re the experts in the sexualisation of children so if someone could explain this onesie to us, we’d appreciate it.

We are praying that this is again about boobs…

Given that gay men are often deemed to be “kiddy-fiddlers”, this sexualisation of baby clothing is ironic. 

Ironic and creepy.

Of course, to attribute irony to something, first you have to understand it.

We have no idea what this means.

Conversely, we understand the meaning of this nightmare – but we wish we didn’t!

No. And nor do we want to!

Yes, this really exists.

The internet never forgets.

And it’s possibly the most disturbing of the bunch. Or the second most disturbing…

Is this one for a baby girl? Or just a really hefty infant male?

We’ll end it here before this post gets flagged on all kinds of the wrong watch-lists. Which it will, of course. Because homosexuals. Meanwhile, you pervertpetrators (Editor’s note: Please stop trying to make that word happen) will merrily go about your lives, sexualising your children, all the while telling us that we’re the ones obsessed with converting the young.

Our only consolation is that a whole lot of those boys you’re desperate to make straight will end up playing for our team. We love irony – especially when it’s not creepy irony.

Then send Daddy our way, kid. No one gives a better BJ than a gay man.

In ONE MILLION DOMS Dominic Sheehan comments about political stuff. Yes, the title is a parody of One Million Moms. Yes, this may be the only ONE MILLION DOMS where he and One Million Moms are aligned. No, they wouldn’t have made nearly as many dirty jokes.

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