Do Not Ivanka! Jewellery Edition

We had so much fun ripping apart Ivanka Trump’s vile clothing line that we had to accessorise it with…accessories. Ivanka designs makes sells peddles bags and jewellery but it’s the bling under the spotlight this time. In real life, however, we recommend not placing any of this tat under a spotlight. Because it’ll probably melt.

Beaded Bracelet

Anal. Beads.

Ivanka says: This flexible bracelet is on all of our vacation packing lists. Textured stones and shiny hardware add subtle elegance to any outfit. 
Himsical says: Who the fuck makes a vacation packing list?

Faceted Earrings

Drops of Puke-piter.

Ivanka says: Our bright earrings are perfect for warm days. While you can’t be on the beach all the time, you can wear these almost as often.
Himsical says: Read that second sentence again. Ivanka is saying someone would want wear these monstrosities almost permanently. If you want to know Hell then here it is.

Stone Drop Earrings

Stone Drop Earrings? More like I Was Stoned When I Designed These Drop Earrings.

Ivanka says: In a modern shape, these classic drop earrings are made from gold-plated metal and centered with a lustrous glass stone. Pair yours with a matching necklace from our collection and showcase your sparkle with your hair swept back.
Himsical says: Rectangles are a ‘modern shape’ apparently. Also, note the vague reference to “gold-plated metal”. What metal? The cheapest one Ivanka could find. Probably old soda can metal.

Geometric Bangle

Humanity is capable of creating great beauty. Ivanka, unfortunately, is not human.

Ivanka says: We picture this bangle with a blazer at the office or a simple top at an outdoor cafe. Smart, detailed and layerable, it’s truly versatile.
Himsical says: Aren’t most bangles ‘layerable’? Unless they’re really chunky you can layer the shit out of them. So stop acting like you cured cancer, Ivvy.

Shine Bright” Charm Bracelet

Charm-less bracelet is more like it, amirite?

Ivanka says: This is the grown-up version of your favorite charm bracelet. Complete with seven chic charms and our signature IT tag, this sweet accessory can still look professional with a blazer or blouse. We love the reminders to “shine bright” and “take heart” engraved on the backs of two charms.
Himsical says: What are these charms meant to be? One looks like a sun. There’s a teardrop. The letter O. An 8, kinda. The rest look like leftover scraps from the floor of whatever Third World country factory she’s moved her operation to this week. Also, the random quotation mark in the title isn’t our mistake, it’s Ivanka’s.

Who proofreads your website, Ivanka? Your daddy?

“Luck” Cuff

“Good luck” selling these things, Ms Trump.

Ivanka says: There’s something truly special about this cuff. A glimmering bead and rose-gold pattern are eye-catching, while an engraved “luck” adds a meaningful touch. It will be your new good-luck charm, guaranteed.
Himsical says: Someone at Ivanka-central doesn’t understand the use of double quote marks. In other words, there’s a difference between a cuff that’s meant to bring you luck and one where she hopes it brings you “luck”.

Statement Flower Necklace

This makes a statement – and the statement is ‘I am dead inside’.

Ivanka says: Spring into any formal occasion with this stunner. Intricate floral details are bold yet feminine, while four lengths make it the perfect fit for any neckline.
Himsical says: Bold yet feminine: because gods forbid you not be feminine. 

Adjustable Tiered Necklace

This looks like a 5 year old made it. Which is probably the case.

Ivanka says: Our dramatic necklace clasps at four lengths, making it work for you while you work any neckline.
Himsical says: It’s glass and rope. And currently costs US$128.

A for Adventure Necklace

The circle kind of looks like a hole – A…hole… Okay, it’s a stretch but so is imagining Ivanka Trump has ever been adventurous in her entire life. She’s as adventurous as beige.

Ivanka says: Invite the letter “A” for “Adventure” into your everyday life. This two-piece pendant necklace is designed with an elegant chain, crystal studs, and gold-tone high shine. With an adjustable closure for a favorable length and fit, it’s ideal for layering with other sweet and delicate necklaces.
Himsical says: We just realised that EVERY item on Ivanka’s site says it’s Imported. Which is just a spinny way of saying none of it is made in the USA. You kind of have to “admire” how brazenly Ivanka’s prepared to shovel the BS.

B for Beautiful Necklace

When the thing that reads ‘beautiful’ isn’t beautiful then it’s an own goal.

Ivanka says: Invite the letter “B” for “Beautiful” into your everyday life. This two-piece pendant necklace is designed with an elegant chain, crystal studs, and gold-tone high shine. With an adjustable closure for a favorable length and fit, it’s ideal for layering with other sweet and delicate necklaces.
Himsical says: Ivvy, again, the way you’ve formatted “Beautiful” makes it mean the opposite – like we did with “admire” in the previous entry. So here you’re telling women to invite Ugly into their lives – which is totally what your Mom did when she banged your dad.

C For Courage Necklace

Rejected C words included: Complicit, Conniving, Con-Artist, Charlatan, and Criminal.

Ivanka says: Invite the letter “C” for “Courage” into your everyday life. This two-piece pendant necklace is designed with an elegant chain, crystal studs, and gold-tone high shine. With an adjustable closure for a favorable length and fit, it’s ideal for layering with other sweet and delicate necklaces.
Himsical says: You know what else starts with C? Cunt. Cunt starts with C.

Hey, we’re not the ones putting Cs on everything we sell.

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