Do Not Ivanka!

So Samantha Bee called Ivanka Trump a “feckless cunt”, which turns out to be an obscenity too far – “feckless fatherfucker” might not have created quite as much of a media storm.

The thing is, Ivanka isn’t actually “feckless”. She runs what is, by all appearances, a successful fashion line where she designs makes sells hocks clothes to conservative white women. Of course, since her father is all about the MAGA, Ivanka ensures her fashion lines are completely manufactured in the USA. And by “completely” we mean, “not at all“.

But while Ivanka might be successful at selling her sweatshop-sewn snakeoil, those clothes are ugly. Just how ugly? Presenting the Ivanka Trump Summer 2018 Collection: Clothes For Women Who Voted For Trump Even Though They Knew He Was A Rapist.

Gingham Ruffle Top

Grandma Trump always wondered why her tablecloths would vanish after a visit from Lil Ivanka…

Ivanka says: Our season’s freshest blouse comes in a classic gingham and is all-frills. Make it your go-to top for a summer that’s all-thrills.
Himsical says: Two words – Raggedy Ann.

And you thought we were exaggerating.

Striped Ruffle Blouse

True fact: this is a replica of the outfit JonBenet Ramsey was last seen wearing. (Editor’s note: this is not true, but it feels true).

Ivanka says: We’re getting serious West Coast vibes from this striped blouse. It features on-trend ruffles on breathable cotton fabric, built to last wherever your California dreams take you.
Himsical says: We’re getting serious women-with-daddy-issues vibes. Also, ruffles are never on-trend. They are literally the antonym of ‘on-trend’.

Striped Bow Sweater

Take a bow. No, serious, take the bows – they’re hideous.

Ivanka says: Pro tip: this sweater + red skinny jeans = a festive Fourth of July outfit sure to stand out. Post-fireworks, pair it with white jeans for a classic and clean look.
Himsical says: Pro tip: you won’t want to get too close to fireworks with those flappy sleeves, ladies. Also, who changes their clothes ‘post-fireworks’? Oh, people with flappy sleeves do…

Striped Blouse

I’m ready for my immunisation shot, Mr Deville. Just kidding, I voted for Trump so I’m totally an anti-vaxxer!

Ivanka says: Beachy and on-trend, our striped top features a cold-shoulder and subtle palm print. It’s our new go-to for PTO—whether we’re jet-setting or not.
Himsical says: Give this abomination the cold-shoulder. Also, PTO apparently stands for paid time off, which is something the children who make Ivanka’s clothes will never get.

Striped Lace-Up Tee

Laces: like bows but more complicated.

Ivanka says: We’ve updated the striped tee with a lace-up detail, which features a navy ribbon and—you guessed it—rose gold hardware. Remove the ribbon for a breezy classic, or tie into a flirty bow for a fitted form.
Himsical says: Daddy likes it when you tie the ribbon into a flirty bow…

Sleeveless Bow Tank Top

Look, we know this article is heavy on the father-daughter incest but this is the sort of dress that pedophiles imagine their victims wearing.

Ivanka says: Another one of our work-to-weekend classics, this feminine tank features a subtle geometric pattern that adds structure to a relaxed fit. It pops under a blazer at work and complements white skinny jeans at brunch.
Himsical says: “Subtle geometric pattern”? They’re squares! And they’re about as subtle as your father’s spray tan.

Cotton Tunic

Because what woman doesn’t want surgical scrubs with some lace stuck on the front?

Ivanka says: Butterfly sleeves and a floral lace panel make our airy tunic a feminine choice. Pair with colorful bracelets and denim of any wash for a look that’s relaxed yet put-together. 
Himsical says: Ivanka’s clothes come with no sleeves or all the sleeves.

Bell Sleeve Blouse

The Handmaid’s Blouse

Ivanka says: This blouse comes in feminine blush and features floral lace paneling. Its lightweight fabric and open bell sleeves make it the perfect alternative to a tank top when trying to beat the heat.
Himsical says: All the sleeves!

Gingham Ruffle Tank

Just how many of Grandma Trump’s tablecloths did Lil Ivanka steal?

Ivanka says: In a wide gingham print, this fun tank top works with almost any pair of skinny jeans or shorts. Its breezy fabric makes it perfect for warmer days—or for layering on days you wish were warmer.
Himsical says: No matter how many layers you apply, you can’t hide the ugly.

Run, but the ugly will follow.

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