Go Fund Meh

A bunch of racists have decided to self-fund Trump’s border “wall” through GoFundMe. They’re hoping to raise US$1 billion. Given that Trump wanted US$26 billion for it earlier this year, and the fact that the true cost is likely many billions more than that, this is nothing but a PR exercise, an attempt to shore up Trump’s fragile ego. 

But it got me thinking – if people are stupid enough to hand over next month’s child support for this lemon, then what other crazy projects could I encourage them to fund? Hopefully, these crazy projects!

Penis Enlargement Surgery for Donald Trump
Goal: $30,000
I have a theory that much of Don’s dysfunction as a human lizard-person wearing human skin can be blamed on feelings of inadequacy caused by his “smaller than average – like the mushroom character in Mario Kart” penis. Fix the penis, fix the man-child lizard-baby.

As if mushrooms couldn’t get any grosser.

Real Life Willy Wonka Factory
Goal: $300 million
This will be an exact replica of the factory from the movie. The first movie, none of that Burton-Depp abomination. The factory will be open for tours, but four children will need to be given to the Oompa Loompas each day as part of normal operations. Little known fact: Oompa Loompas can only digest flesh from pre-pubescent humans. 

They’re small, but very hungry.

A Clone of Terry Crews
Goal: $2 million
Don’t ask questions, just make it happen.

If you do have questions, here’s the answer.

Final Episodes of TV Shows That Ended on a Cliffhanger
Goal: $6 million per episode
What actually happened to Sam in Quantum Leap? Did Cooper live or die after being shot in Southland? What was up with that baby in Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman? Did the aliens succeed in Invasion? Millions of people some people I want to know the answers to these questions!  

Additional Seasons of TV Shows That Finished Too Soon
Goal: $100 million per season.
Millions of people a lot of people I feel that certain TV shows ended prematurely. This is especially true of My So-Called Life which is well-known to be the best television show ever to get cancelled too early. Then there’s Star Trek Enterprise, where an additional three seasons are necessary to get it to the modern Trek benchmark of seven. Added bonus, we could delete that awful finale. Equally, I’d appreciate new seasons of thirtysomething, Square Pegs, and Knot’s Landing. 

I look forward to the writers explaining Joan Van Ark’s face.

A Clone of Patrick Wiese (From Season One Of Top Chef Canada)
Goal: $4 million
I know, it’s twice what I asked for Terry Crews – but who said I want a single Wiese clone?

Too good to stop at one.

Deletion of the Film Passengers From Public Consciousness
Goal: $100 billion
How do you squander a fertile premise, along with charismatic stars like Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Pratt? And Michael Sheen? AND Laurence Fishburne? Passengers, that’s how. This film is so awful that it deserves to be wiped from history. It will require the erasure of every electronic version of the movie and all promotional materials, the burning of every physical copy, and mind-wiping everyone involved or who saw or even heard about the film. Unfortunately, it means the deletion of this photo of Chris Pratt showing off the bruises he got during filming. But it’s worth it.

Or is it?

Compensation For Me Having Seen Passengers
Goal: $5 million
In the event the previous GoFundMe doesn’t materialise, I need to be compensated for spending hard-earned cash to see Passengers. Also damages for the mental anguish knowing there was a far better movie to be made here. One without all the rape-iness and logic problems. Why did Laurence Fishburne have so many medical conditions? If Pratt’s character couldn’t order certain things from the kitchen computer then why did it show them to him at all? How did the trees grow, was there soil under the decks? Couldn’t they afford a better fake beard for Pratt? For Andy Garcia? Why did Andy Garcia show up for a one second cameo anyway? Why bother with so many luxury accoutrements on the ship when you could just have everyone wake up later thus eliminating the need for a swanky space hotel? How did so few passengers pay for such a huge ship and have the company turn a profit? Why was there only one autodoctor on board? These things keep me up at night. And during the day! Plus, if I just get a payout we all get to keep that picture of Chris Pratt’s armpit. You’re welcome.

A Clone of Chris Pratt
Goal: $2 million
Scratch that – I’d rather have another Patrick Wiese clone.

If you’re keeping score that makes three clones.

An Island To Fill With Gay Men
Goal: $500 billion
Homophobes are always wishing we were all sent to an island, so here’s their chance to make it true. We’ve already named some islands we’ll happily inhabit. I figure $500 billion ought to buy us Maui. Plus Rarotonga. And also, I don’t know, Geurnsey? Alcatraz? What, you thought we’d stop at one? That’d be like just getting one Patrick Wiese clone.

A Wall To Keep Out People Who Donate To ‘We the People Will Fund the Wall’ GoFundMe
Goal: $3 trillion
No, this won’t be a prison. It’ll be an area for awful people that is walled off from the rest of us. LOL, it’s totally a prison! A barrier around the Southern US states oughta do it. Plus North Dakota. Because everyone knows that’s the mean Dakota.

Money To Give To Needy Children
Goal $4 million
Feck off. I’m so going to buy another two clones of Patrick Wiese. Is five enough? Probably not, but it’s a start.

Feel free to send those kids to my Willy Wonka factory though. Especially the awful ones. The Oompa Loompas need the grub.

 

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