I Won’t Wear Makeup

The beauty cabal industry is evil. Only evil would encourage men to rid themselves of glorious body hair.

Fuck you, Alluremedspa.

Body hair removal is just one of the beauty mafia’s industry’s attacks on men. For years their primary assault has been on women. But capitalism demands infinite growth and once the beauty racket industry started to run out of things to shame ladies about, they realised they could sell gentlemen more than just razors, shaving foam and deodorant. So they told men body hair is disgusting. Because if there’s one thing men have, it’s body hair.

Thank the gods for that.

After expanding the male body hair removal business, the beauty conspiracy industry turned its attention elsewhere, including to cosmetics. There was a time that makeup on men was confined to punks, glam rockers, and drag queens. Somewhere in the early 2000s it went mainstream. Guy-liner made initial in-roads but the floodgates opened wide this decade with various influencers launching male makeup lines – Tom Ford and Marc Jacobs among them.

Although makeup is now fairly common on male celebrities – it hasn’t become ubiquitous among we ordinary folk. This, of course, is because most of us associate makeup on men with clowns.

I am so confused right now.

Here are five reasons the beauty psychopaths industry is failing to convince me to slap their junk on my face.

1. Time
Fact: YouTube is now 75% makeup tutorials, some of which are longer than Gone With The Wind (Editor’s Note: That is not true, but it feels true). Watching one after another you soon realise that there are more steps in applying a full face of makeup than it takes to restore a 600 year old oil painting. And the chemicals used are probably the same.

My morning routine is to wake up, shower, dress, depart – hopefully in that order. There’s no way I have time to trowel on primer, foundation, concealer, setting powder, blush, bronzer, eyeshadow, mascara, and lipstick. Just typing that made me need a lie down.

Also, you know what happens when you don’t have time to do something well? You do it badly.

Before makeup.                   After makeup.

2. Money
Makeup is expensive. Go on, check it out. There are cheaper brands, but they’re not just cheap, they’re nasty. The only nasty I want all over my face is cum.

Of course “nasty”  is a matter of perspective.

I can’t imagine what I would have to give up if I needed to add makeup to my weekly shopping list. Heating. Clothes. Food. On the plus side I’d look fabulous, but on the negative side I’d be cold, naked, and dead.

3. Health
Makeup has a history of poisonous ingredients. Beyond the fads that saw adherents swallowing liquid gold and slathering on animal faeces, cosmetics contained things like lead and arsenic. Even today a recent study found that 80% of beauty products contained toxic chemicals. The skin is our largest organ and absorbs what you put on it. Cover it with carcinogens and they end up in your liver or kidneys. It’s not just us that makeup is killing. There are still companies testing their products on animals and using makeup is filling the environment with harmful chemicals and microbeads. Beauty, it’s literally to die for.

4. Feel
As a gay man in his fifties it will come as a huge surprise to know that I’ve done musical theatre. Wearing foundation, blush, eyeliner, and lipstick made me claustrophobic. I can imagine how the various victims of the Alien franchise felt having something unnatural covering their face. The only thing I want on my face that is not my face is cum. Okay, maybe not the only thing…

Urine > Makeup

5. Deep-Seated Insecurities About Masculinity And Fears I’ll Be Perceived As Effeminate
Actually, I spent my entire childhood, up until I was in my twenties, being mistaken for a girl. And years in my twenties and thirties getting told I was too faggy for bear bars. I’ve learned to love who I am and I really don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me anymore.

What I do give a fuck about is a multi-billion dollar beauty swindle industry shaming me into using their product. It’s bad for us, it’s bad for the world, plus, it’s helping make Kylie Jenner a billionaire. I told you, this stuff is evil. Evil!

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