I’ll Never Get Invited to a Marc Jacobs Orgy

So I missed out on the Marc Jacobs orgy. Of course I’d sex Marc Jacobs – I’ve seen his “accidental” naked selfie! But alas, he’s now deleted his Grindr profile.

As I read the news I couldn’t help but think that even if Jacobs ever does host another sex party I won’t make the cut anyway and here are five reasons why.

1. He Advertises on Grindr
The men of Grindr aren’t my target demographic. I’m only on there sporadically, to clear all the messages from guys wanting me to pay to watch them on their sex cams or rescue the occasional lost bear who has mistaken the app for Growlr.

2. I’m Too Old
It’s reported that the guests were in their 20s. My 20s are on the list of “Things I Haven’t Been In For a Long Time”. Also on that list are Burger King, flared trousers and a rectum. I’ve just lied about one of those – can you guess which one?

3. You Need to Be PNP Friendly
The drugs some attendees were using were “G” and “Tina”. Or maybe those were their drag names. I’ve never had fun fucking guys who were fucked up. They keep crying and speaking to pixies. Or they try to strangle you – and not the sexy kind of strangling.

4. I’m Not Marc’s Type
Googling pictures of Marc’s exes proves that he has a type – dark-hair, beard and abs. These are on the list of “Things I Do Not Have”. Also on that list by the way – herpes. For the moment at least.

5. My Orgy Goals Are Loftier Than His
The reports say Jacobs had sex with “up to 10 people” so counting him that’s eleven. Respectfully, eleven men having sex does not constitute an “orgy”. When I hear “orgy” I think at least twenty men minimum. Maybe fifty. Eleven men having sex is what I call “a quiet evening”.

I don’t mean to come across as bitter, I’m just disappointed. Marc, don’t let the haters scare you into celibacy! If by some miracle you’re keen message me direct. But only ten invitees? Next time we’re going to need a bigger venue…

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