It’s Good Kentucky Wants To Create Different Marriage License Forms For Gays and Straights

The Kentucky state motto is “United we stand, divided we fall” so it’s a wee bit ironic they’ve been one of the most ardent opponents of gay marriage in the USA.


Also ironic: their state seal features two men about to tear the clothes off one another.

Not content to have produced Kim Davis now the state wants to create two different types of marriage license forms – one for the straights and one for the gays. In fact, one form will say “bride” and “groom” and one will say “first party” and “second party”. The law’s sponsor, Republican Senator Stephen West, says that anyone could use either form. Except that means in gay or lesbian couple one person would have to identify as a “bride” and the other as “groom”. He knows that whole “who’s the woman/man” thing homophobes say isn’t based on reality, right?

Of course, this has caused an outcry. What’s next – straight and gay drinking fountains? Gays sitting at the back of the bus? But actually this idea has some merit. Here are 5 reasons this separating of the gays from the straights is actually a step forward.

1. Straight Marriage Is A Mess
Opposite sex couples haven’t had marriage to themselves for “always” as conservatives would have us believe. But they’ve dominated it in recent years and, frankly, they’ve ruined it. Straight marriages are blighted by lingering misogyny – men used to literally own their wives and even today in many cultures and religions women are expected to be subservient to their husbands. The percentage of straight marriages that end in divorce around the world make grim reading – New Zealand 42%, USA 53%, Spain 61%, Hungary 67%!

You’d want a divorce too if you lived in a country shaped like a turd.

You’d want a divorce too if your country was shaped like a turd.

You heterosexuals have treated marriage worse than a heavy metal band treats a hotel room. You want your own marriage license form? Fine by us. We’ll happily keep our unions separate from yours – straight marriage has cooties.

2. Straight People Are a Mess
Not only is the straight version of marriage terrible, a lot of heterosexuals are equally vile. Take the already mentioned Kim Davis as an example. If you need other examples here they are – Pat Robertson, Robert Mugabe, all the Popes, Anita Bryant, and Adolph Hitler.

All of these things are just like the others.

All of these things are just like the others.

Throughout history we have suffered hate and discrimination, violence and death at your hands. Any opportunity not to have to share your air – or your marriage license forms – is a blessing.

3. It’s Actually An Acknowledgement That Gay Marriage Is Valid
Of course, Kentucky won’t name these documents “gay marriage license forms” but that’s how they’ll colloquially come to be known. For a place that’s made a point of saying how it won’t accept same sex unions, creating a form specifically for gay marriage is admittance that they kind of do. In the “war on traditional marriage” this is as good as a white flag.

4. The Word “Party” Has A Positive Connotation
Some might think dubbing the gay participants “party” on the forms is impersonal when compared to bride/groom but actually it’s just the opposite. Parties are awesome – there’s food, alcohol and some couple always sneaks off to have secret sex in an upstairs bedroom. We are figuratively starting our marriages with a party – two parties to be exact – and that’s good karma for what’s to follow.

5. Why Stop With Official Forms?
When you treat a certain group differently, although roughly the same, it can be viewed in one of two ways: bad (discriminatory) and good (preferential). What’s to stop gays and lesbians viewing it as the latter? You value us so much that we warrant our own forms?! You like us, you REALLY like us!  But why stop there? For years we’ve been told gay rights are special rights so let’s start seeing some of this special treatment you claim we get. We want our own everything – parks, swimming pools, restaurants, malls, gyms.  I can guarantee that gay men in particular will be very pleased to know that every man they see at their gay-guy-only gymnasium is a potential sex partner.


Getting motivated to work out won’t be an issue.

Given our penchant for gentrification our spaces will be far nicer than yours – opulent palaces that will make your facilities look like ghettos, full of unhappy straights, including that sad human being Kim Davis. Yep, you’re stuck with her. But hey, don’t blame us, Kentucky started it…

Cover image: Palace Parker

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