Legendary Characters Who Need To Up Their Game

From the UK comes a study that shows the Tooth Fairy has upped her game and is now coughing out up to £10 per molar.  She has the tooth market cornered but she’s smart enough to keep her prices competitive.  Other legendary characters would be sensible to emulate this kind of commercial savvy.  Many of them have stagnated business plans and a lack of diversification – recipes for financial disaster.  All is not lost, however, we sat each of them down with a business advisor and here’s what our expert had to say.

 

1. Santa Claus

Not content with having crowded Jesus out of his own holiday, Santa also continues his relentless backwards march, claiming additional months as his own.  It’s not your imagination; those Christmas decorations really do appear just a little earlier every year.  But because Santa’s so tied to 25 December there’s a limit to how far his influence will stretch and many people and businesses are now actively resisting his “Christmas creep”.  Plus he’s usually in the center of “War on Christmas” firestorms with people claiming he’s not black or that he’s an anagram of Satan.

Advice from our business expert

Santa needs to do something that has nothing to do with Christmas and what could be less Christmasy than gay porn?  St Nick is big, hairy and white-haired – the archetypical polar bear – and his backstory provides an array of situations perfect for porn.  Punishing the elf-gimp who won’t work hard enough.  Having hunks sit on his lap to reveal if they’ve been naughty or nice.  Giving out presents from his “sack”.  Those skin-flicks will write themselves.

Santa has a present for you.  Yes, it's a penis.

Santa has a present for you.  Yes, it’s a penis.

 

2. The Easter Bunny

Like Santa, the Easter Bunny has shoved Jesus to the side of his own holiday.  But, also like Santa, while Easter themed merchandise can appear as early as January, once Easter is done Bunny isn’t seen until the following year.  Also putting all his eggs in the chocolate treats basket is a recipe for disaster in a health-obsessed world.

Advice from our business expert

There’s a perfect opportunity already available – the Tooth Fairy.  Easter Bunny rots their teeth with chocolate eggs – teeth fall out – Tooth Fairy collects, paying Bunny a royalty for every tooth he helped destroy.

Easter Bunny also needs to stop look so terrifying.

Easter Bunny also needs to stop look so terrifying.

But the rabbit also needs a non-Easter related business, preferably one that would offset his unhealthy image.  Carrots are one of the world’s most popular, and lucrative vegetables and as a prolific carrot eater himself Bunny will have an intimate understanding of this root crop.  He could pull in some lapine friends to help with advertising – Bugs Bunny, Roger Rabbit and the Energizer Bunny “spring” to mind.

 

3. The Grim Reaper

The list of Worst Professions in the World probably goes something like this: Theme Park Mascot, Door-to-Door Salesperson, Portable Toilet Cleaner, Humor Website Writer, Grim Reaper, Dentist.  It’s a dirty job but somebody has to guide souls into the afterlife and that somebody is a skeleton in a cloak, carrying a scythe.

Advice from our business expert

Death needs something to balance out all the dying – the type of balance that time in the garden could provide.  He should begin a landscaping business so that along with telling people their time is up he’ll get to focus on things that are growing and alive.  He already has the scythe and he can put it to use cutting grass instead of…why does he carry that thing with him anyway?

 Don't panic, I'm just here to do some light weeding.

Don’t panic, I’m just here to do some light weeding.

 

4.  Lady Justice

Justice/Themis doesn’t look like she does much – her job is just standing around blindfolded, holding a sword and scales, and acting as the allegorical personification of the necessity for fairness and rigor in the justice system.  Okay, she does A LOT.  Lady Justice is queen in her area but these days it’s all about being a multi-hyphenate.  It’s not enough to be a personification of fariness, you need to be a personification of fairness-singer-director-fashion designer.

Advice from our business expert

There’s a bright future for Lady Justice in the food business.  This might seem like a radical suggestion but she already has the scales and that sword will come in handy in the kitchen.  A good place to start would be with a celebrity cooking show.  If she keeps the blindfold on she’s immediately got the hook that elevates her above ordinary cooking shows – this gal makes a great soufflé and she does it blind!

Start with a half a kilo of premium minced beef...

Start with a half a kilo of premium minced beef…

Once she’s established herself as a new superstar chef she can use that fame to launch her own a line of cookware.  Her tagline – Do justice to your food with Lady J.

 

5.  Cupid

This chubby flying baby with a bow and arrow pops up all over the place, but is particularly busy around February 14.  The day might be named after St Valentine but it’s Cupid most people picture when they think of love.  That’s part of Cupid’s problem – he’s ONLY associated with love.  He also has the opposite problem to the Grim Reaper – dealing with lovey-dovey stuff the entire time must drive him to want to murder someone.

Advice from our business expert

Cupid is invisible, can fly, is an expert marksman and the lovey-dovey stuff is driving to want to murder someone.  There’s a perfect job waiting for him – assassin.  Because of his abilities he could take on the most difficult – and lucrative – hits, picking and choosing his assignments so that they don’t interfere with his day job.

This could be the last thing you see.

This could be the last thing you see.

If killing isn’t for him then why not become the spokesbaby for a line of disposal diapers?  Who wouldn’t want their baby to wear the same diapers as a god?

 

6.  Jack Frost

The personification of the effects of Winter is responsible for ice, snow and nipping at your nose.  Jack Frost is another icon tied to a certain part in the year, forced to sit out the other three seasons.  Further, it’s during Summer that his power to generate cold would be in highest demand.

Advice from our business expert

Jack Frost is already being used to hawk cold goods, especially ice cream.

 

This place should expect to receive a cease and desist letter at any moment.

This place should expect to receive a cease and desist letter at any moment.

Once he sues those people out of business for using his name he should enter that market himself.  Easter Bunny understands sweet stuff so Jack should partner up with him for a new range of ice cream.  Ben and Jerry will need to watch out for Bunny and Jack who are about to dominate the freezer section at supermarkets.  There’s also money to be made in the air-conditioning market.  With global warming upping the temperature every year, Jack Frost’s future looks red hot.

 

7.  Slender Man

Slender Man first appeared in 2009 as an internet meme.  He is actually the property of creator Eric Knudsen so there is a real life person to benefit from any extra revenue.  Part of the appeal of this thin, very tall figure with a blank face and wearing a dark suit is his vagueness and the mystery around exactly who or what he is – the viewer is able to project their own idea of who or what he is onto him.

Advice from our business expert

Despite his rapid rise to fame Slender Man hasn’t actually transformed into the multi-media superstar he seemed destined to become – his vagueness might actually be working against him.

Could be Slender Man...could be a tree.

Could be Slender Man…could be a tree.

It would help if he was be tied to something specific and there’s a perfect job opportunity just sitting there – Halloween.  31 October is crying out for an official mascot.  Other horror icons have too much backstory attached to become Halloween’s patron but Slender is so new and ill-defined that he fits the bill perfectly.  Eric Knudsen is about to become a multi-billionaire.

 

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