I Won’t Read Any Article With “Should” In the Title
Places You SHOULD Visit. Foods You SHOULD Never Eat. Things You SHOULD Never Say. Here’s my “should” – you should all stop telling me what to do. One of the worst recent offenders was titled The 6 Resolutions Gay Men Should Make. According to that I should stop doing weights and do yoga because yoga is an “emotional stress reliever”. You know what else yoga is? For losers.
Another “should” on their list was to make more time for my family. Have you met my family? You spend time with them – I’ve got TV to watch. The worst suggestion was “Trim that damn beard”. Bears of the world, please ignore that advice. This “beards are in fashion” thing is a chaser’s dream come true. Sport whatever facial hair you so desire. Except that thing where you grow a really long beard but only from underneath your chin. Stop doing that.
I Won’t Listen To Adele
Hello? Adele? It’s Dominic here. You’ve already written a billion songs about that guy who did you wrong so it’s time to stop. At first your pain was mildly interesting but now we’re all sitting here thinking “she’s got a hot man and a kid – but she’s STILL waffling on about some ex from years ago?” Adele, if you need help moving on then ask someone for advice – anyone but Taylor Swift who also won’t stop whining about people who hurt her. Conspiracy Theory: Adele and Taylor Swift are actually the same person.
I Will Put “Gay” In Every Himsical Title I Write
Like I did in the title of this piece. It’s just to piss off all the guys online who say “I’m not like other gay men”. Do you stick your penis inside another man? Then you’re just like every other gay.
I Will Sleep With Someone Famous Then Out Them
I’m open to suggestions as to who this should be so long as the suggestions are Alec Baldwin or Mike Colter.
I’ll Finally Watch Priscillia Queen of the Desert
I’ve never seen that movie but people say it was enjoyable. Wait, it’s full of Australians? Ugh. Strike that.
I Will Stop Being Outraged About Stupid Things People Say
People like Caitlyn Jenner, the Pope, Republican Party nominees, conservative “pundits”… One thing 2015 taught me was that being outraged fixes nothing. Mocking the stupid things they say, on the other hand, also fixes nothing but at least gives the world a laugh.
I Will Watch Full Frontal With Samantha Bee
Because Samantha Bee’s new show. If you want a masterclass in how to mock awful, hateful people then you’ll also be watching.
I Will Not Read Any More News About Donald Trump
2015 provided more Donald Trump than I would wish for in a hundred lifetimes. Please tell me he’s not the celebrity I have to sleep with then out. That’s literally the most disgusting thing I can think of. It’d be like fucking a pile of cold, orange oatmeal.
I Will Stop Being Horrible
No I won’t.