Rating the 2015 Rugby World Cup Uniforms

In Style today we’re looking at the uniforms being worn at the 2015 Rugby World Cup.  You know what rugby is right?  Like American football, but good.  Let’s tackle this shit!  Home (main) uniforms are on the left, away kit on the right.

ARGENTINA

RWCArg

Horizontal stripes will make those thickset rugby forwards look even broader, but that’s a plus for any chasers out there.  We admire the baby blue on the home uniform but that away shirt looks kind of oily.  Hmmm, now we’re imagining Argentinian rugby players all oiled up…  We’ll reflect our appreciation in our marks.
Grades:
Home – A-
Away – A+

AUSTRALIA

RWCAust

Hey, let’s make jaundiced yellow our national color.  And let’s pair it with the ugliest shade of green we can find!  Are you sure this is the same country that produced Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?
Grades:
Home – D
Away – C

CANADA

RWCCandad

Red and white – check.  Maple leaf – check.  This is a pole away from being your flag, Canada.  We’re also deducting points for that model’s greasy hair.  Shampoo that mess, mate.
Grades:
Home – B-
Away – B-

ENGLAND

RWCEngland

Classy as hell.  It’s the rose logo – sticking a rose on anything immediately makes it classy.  Put a rose on Miley Cyrus and boom, she’s Kate Middleton.  Unfortunately the rose is probably now addicted to pot.  From being around Miley, not Princess Kate. Or is it Duchess Kate?  We’re gay but not so gay we know that kind of stuff.
Grades:
Home – A-
Away – A

FIJI

Fiji

Loving the tribal symbols on the home uniform, Fiji.  You stole that from The Rock’s tattoo, right?  But did you intend for your away kit to look like a bad dye job?   Oh, it’s “ombre”?  This is rugby, bro, not Paris Fashion Week.
Grades:
Home – A
Away – B-

FRANCE

RWCFrance

We expected a lot from you, France, you’re the home of Paris Fashion Week after all.  We expected a  lot and you delivered!   We appreciate that you’re not shy about showing us your cock – we’re talking about the rooster on your badge, of course.  And we especially like the epaulettes on the shoulders of the away kit.  It gives it a touch of military and we’re always happy to be touched by the military.
Grades:
Home – A
Away – A+

GEORGIA

Georgia

In purely aesthetic terms these won’t win any design awards, but our idea of beauty is broader than the prissy confines of the fashion industry.  What matters is that the stripe design on the chest looks a lot like a BDSM harness.  This is a good thing.  A very good thing.
Grades:
Home – A+
Away – A+

IRELAND

Ireland

Choosing green is a no-brainer but this isn’t the glorious Leprechaun hue we were hoping for.  Was the team drunk when they chose this particular shade?  Oh, it’s Ireland, of course they were drunk!
Grades:
Home – C
Away – C

ITALY

Italy

This kit is so mundane it almost had us nodding off.  We’re not even halfway through rating these things – we don’t have time for sleep.  We expected more from you, Italy!  You’re the home of Milan Fashion Week!  We’re especially ambivalent about those nautical stripes on the home collar and we’re usually not torn ambivalent about things seamen related.
Grades:
Home – B-
Away – B-

JAPAN

RWCJapan

Where’s Wally?  Or Waldo for you Americans and Canadians.  Or ウォーリーをさがせ in Japan.  The red is a little “barber’s pole” but that’s a pleasing mix of blues on the away outfit.  What’s the flower on your logo, Japan?  A cherry blossom?  Wait, you call your team the “Brave Blossoms”?  If you’re stuck on using that flower in your name could we suggest something more intimidating – like the Death Blossoms.  You’re welcome.
Grades:
Home – B+
Away – A

NAMIBIA

RWCNamibia

Stop kidding around, there isn’t a country called Namib-  Oh, there is?  Wherever it is they’ve obviously heard of polyester.  We imagine these shirts are itchy – we’re breaking out in hives just looking at them.
Grades:
Home – D
Away – D

NEW ZEALAND

RWCNZ

You might be good at rugby, New Zealand, but you really need to rethink black as your national color.  It’s depressing.  Then again, you produced Lorde so depressing is to be expected.  We like the detailing on the away outfit though – it kind of looks like direction arrows pointing to something down below…
Grades:
Home – B
Away – B+

ROMANIA

RWCRom

Australia called, they want their yellow back.  Wait, is that another crotch-pointing arrow on your away uniform?  You’d think these uniforms were all being designed by a man into men, except no man-lover would choose that vile yellow.
Grades:
Home – B-
Away – B+

SAMOA

Samoa

Stylish work, Samoa, even if the sleeves on the away uniform look a bit like an ugly Hawaiian shirt.  But you can all stop with the crotch-arrows.  Trust us, we know where the penis is located!
Grades:
Home – B+
Away – B

SCOTLAND

RWCScot

These look like discount polo shirts, Scotland.  This is the Rugby World Cup, not a neighborhood bear bar.  That said, please be in touch if any of your players want to meet us at a neighborhood bear bar.  We’ll be waiting out the back.
Grades:
Home – C
Away – C

SOUTH AFRICA

RWCSA

Is that Australia’s repulsive yellow again?  And their same drab green?  You know they’ll be calling to ask for them back.  We suggest you comply.  It’s like losing a custody battle of a really horrible child – just hand the brat over and run away.  By the way, South Africa, we know that your rugby team has been dogged by claims of racist selecting.  You need to exercise more color blindness in choosing players and less color blindness in choosing your uniforms.
Grades:
Home – F
Away – F

TONGA

Tonga

Wow, The Rock’s tattoo is certainly popular in the islands of the Pacific!  Nicely done, Tonga, even with that Elvis collar on the home uniform. Who are we kidding, we’re gay, you get EXTRA marks for the Elvis collar!
Grades:
Home – A-
Away – B+

URUGUAY

Uruguay

(Image of jersey courtesy of rugbystore http://www.rugbystore.co.uk)

18 nations down, 2 to go!  It’s hard enough staying awake at the moment and this forgettable uniform is enough to put us into a coma.  Even that sky-high Elvis collar can’t save this from being a snooze-fest.  Also Uruguay, we googled the shit out the interwebs and still couldn’t find a decent image of your away kit so we’ll pick apart your logo instead.  What type of bird is that?  It kind of looks like Road Runner.  We hate that smug turkey.
Grades:
Home – B-
Road Runner – F

USA

RWCUSA

Stars…stripes…red, white and blue…all it’s missing is a bald eagle.  Wait, we just saw the logo.
Grades:
Home – C
Away – C+

WALES

RWCWales

Dear Wales.  Whoever told you those shades of red and yellow went together was lying.  And what’s that weird-ass flower on your shirts?  The Prince of Wales feathers?  Your national symbol is a dragon but you chose to put feathers on your rugby uniforms?  And that shiny stuff all over them, are they fish scales?  Or just really small crotch arrows?  Sorry, we don’t have time to check, we are done here!  We’re going on a date with Georgia.  It was that harness thing that swayed us it.  Plus we’ve seen the Georgian team and let’s just say they won’t be wearing those uniforms for very long…
Grades:
Home – C
Away – C

 

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