WORLD ALLIANCE OF GAYS NEWSLETTER February 2018
Dear Comrades in Gayness
Welcome to February. Or, as it’s known to us, Fabruary!
As noted in January’s missive, there has been question as to whether bisexual men can join the Alliance. After extensive polling we have ascertained that yes, bisexual men are welcome, but only during periods they are in a same sex relationship. Yeah, we get it, you’re being bi-erased, blah blah blah. To the rest of the world, when you step out with your “girlfriend/wife/female partner” you are straight, and you get all the privileges that come with that. Do you know how many men identify as bi “but are currently in a relationship with a woman”? Like, lots. Lots and lots.
Also, to avoid ongoing confusion, this is an organisation for gay men. Lesbians started their own guild – Very Against G-A-Y Instead New Alliance Sisters – years ago. To avoid further confusion, “men” includes cis and trans males who are into guys. However, men called “Patrick” are not welcome and I’m sure you all know why.
Recruitment is steady. The new incentive scheme, where members gain travel dollars for every man they turn gay, has been a huge success. The tragic death of Joel Taylor caused us to reconsider our relationship with Atlantis Cruises, but we have decided to allow them to remain in the program. In unrelated news, I have just been gifted a brand new sixty-foot yacht from an anonymous source.
We had previously mooted outing ourselves as one of the true bases of power in gaydom – the other being the women of the aforementioned Very Against G-A-Y Instead New Alliance Sisters. Some argued that staying under the radar was effectively remaining in another closet.
However, at the last board meeting it was agreed that the world should continue to mistakenly believe the Gay Illuminati is our ruling body. The GI, as you all know, consists of Ellen DeGeneres, Elton John, Rachel Maddow, Ryan Murphy, Andy Cohen,
Tom Cruise, Lavern Cox, Anderson Cooper, Will Smith, Rosie O’Donnell, Chaz Bono, John Travolta, George Clooney, and Tyler Perry.
The reason for allowing this misunderstanding to continue is that the GI are well-known and all live in the same huge Hollywood compound which they never leave. We, however, are nobodies who walk among the straights every single day. And we are everywhere. The GI take the focus, allowing us to swoop in from behind, wave a wand while reciting the words “now you’re into butt sex with dudes” and then run off into the night. Or day. Twenty four hours later the guy is gay. That has worked since time began and you never mess with a classic. Refer: remake of The Women.
Public surveys indicate that we now, without a doubt, own rainbows. 72% of respondents said their first thought when seeing a rainbow was ‘That’s really gay”. We have filed papers to claim copyright, just as we have done with the colour pink and the number 69. That last case is still under appeal but we’re confident we will prevail – with a male on male 69er each participant has a peg and a hole, and they fit together. It’s basic physics.
Any men who have had sex with USA Vice-President Mike Pence should continue to contact head office. All you men who’ve sexed Jim Bakker need to stop. Yes, he’s gayer than a fruit fly but he’s icky and we really don’t want him in our club. Pence at least has that silver fox daddy thing going for him. Plus he’s married to a lesbian and it would be nice to do a combined outing with the ladies of Very Against G-A-Y Instead New Alliance Sisters. Yes, they’re a little serious but they always bring great beer.
Nominations for Worst Straight Person Alive are still open. Donald Trump, of course, is ineligible, since he’s just a sentient blob of rancid fat that escaped a KFC deep fryer. Worst Gay Person Alive looked to be an open race until Kevin Spacey happened. I heard they’re digitally removing him from all his movies. They’ll have to retitle Seven (Six, duh!) and they’ve chosen to digitally remove everyone from Pay It Forward, which will now consist of 123 minutes of a blank screen. This, of course, will improve that film a thousand fold.
Until next month, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. That way you won’t miss any rainbows. Every time they appear the straights owe us a million dollars. Beauty ain’t cheap, breeders!
In ONE MILLION DOMS Dominic Sheehan comments about political stuff. Yes, the title is a parody of One Million Moms. No, he doesn’t really want Mike Pence on our team. Or Mike Pence’s
wife mother wife-mother. Yes, he’s very proud of that Donald Trump description and so he should be – it’s hilarious. And true.