The past few decades have ushered in some modern Christmas traditions. Many are a gift we never knew we needed – All Want For Christmas Is You becoming a yuletide standard, for example. A few, however, are so awful they make you fear for the future of the human race – such as the Orwellian nightmare that is Elf On A Shelf.
What’s missing from these
discussions screaming matches is Santa’s sexuality. At least people challenge Santa’s whiteness. His heterosexuality is taken for granted. It’s further proof that, despite the tide of marriage equality sweeping the Western world and RuPaul’s Drag Race winning an Emmy, it’s still a straight world and we happen to be gay in it.
The lack of debate here puzzles me because it’s blindly obvious that Santa is gay. Sure, Mrs Claus exists, but I prefer to think of her as the beard that’s not as canonical as the one on Santa’s face.
Santa is as bent as the top of a candy cane and here is the evidence.
He’s a Bear
Santa not only has a beard, he’s kept it despite changes in male grooming trends – utter proof of beariness. He has embraced his huskiness – why else would he be so comfortable in that curves-hugging suit? And he likes you to sit on his lap and tell him what you want. As a chaser I can confirm this is how at least 80% of my hookups begin.
He Wears A Red Suit
Who else but a gay man would wear a bright red suit trimmed in white fur? Apart from a 1970s pimp. But it’s not the 1970s any more, ergo Santa is a homo.
He Wears Big Black Boots
Who else but a gay man would wear a bright red suit trimmed in white fur with knee-high black boots? Apart from… Actually, no one but a gay man would do this.
He’s a Top
What is Santa’s key claim to fame? Sliding down chimneys. That’s obviously a metaphor for anal sex. Further evidence for this can be found in T’was The Night Before Christmas, which is an allegory for a gay hookup. Here’s the coded reference to the man on man action:
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose
Stockings = condom, chimney = bum. I had Santa pegged as a breeder (see next entry), but he’ll wrap it if necessary.
He Likes To Give You A Present From His Sack
For those who need it spelled out: Present = semen, sack = scrotum.
He Gentrified the North Pole
Before Santa, the North Pole was nothing but ice and reindeer. Then Santa moved in and set up his own business which brought jobs to the region after which presumably followed population growth, soaring property prices, and a Starbucks. Nobody transforms a neighbourhood like the gays.
He Hangs Around With Male Strippers
Comet. Prancer. Donner. Cupid. These must be the names of go-go men, right?
He Gets Around
I’m not saying that all gay men are promiscuous. I am saying most of us are, so Santa visiting a lot of homes in one night, while exclaiming he’s a ho, ho, ho makes perfect sense.
You Write To Him But He Never Replies
My gay friends are useless at returning emails and texts. No wait, it’s me who does that. I really need to up my game – if I’m bad I’ll never get that gift from Santa’s sack.