Sound Advice For…Charlene (I’ve Never Been To Me)

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NEW FEATURE! Are you sick of being lectured by song lyrics? Or just find certain singers annoying? We do! So we decided to do something about about it.

Hey, lady. You, lady. Yeah, you with the pitying look on your face. There are women complaining that you’re forcing glib advice on them. Advice where you tell them to be satisfied with their drab existence. Someone’s posted your picture in every second shop window in town with DO NOT ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION in big letters across the top. Fortunately, it’s a photo of you from 1982. Unfortunately, it’s a photo of you from 1982.

You think you’re doing everyone a favour, but nobody wants to hear about how you’ve whored around the world, yet never been to me. Just go to you, Charlene. Go to you and stay there.

Speaking about your wild life, let’s do a stock take of your exploits:
Been to Georgia, California, Nice, Greece, and Monte Carlo
Made love with a preacher
Had abortions
Drank champagne on a yacht
Undressed by kings

In the scheme of things that isn’t a lot to brag about. California? They get 270 million tourist visits every year. It’d be special if you could claim to have not been there. Georgia? It’s legal to marry your first cousin there. It might even be mandatory. You think Monte Carlo is special? Try visiting Easter Island. It’s in the middle of fucking nowhere! But don’t expect any randy clergy when you arrive. The only head there isn’t worth getting.

I’ve got reason to doubt you’re as well-travelled as you boast though, because you claim to have been to “Nice and the isle of Greece”. Greece is a lot of things, Charlene: bankrupt…full of hairy men…bankrupt… But one thing it is not is an isle. Primarily because it is attached to Europe. 

While we’re on the subject of being unworldly – you’re not as sexually experienced as you think. Been with a preacher in the sun? I’ve been in a porno with Bishop Angus. Drank champagne off a yacht? I’ve drunk golden liquid out of a yachtie. Undressed by kings? Puh-lease, try double-penetration by a couple of Prince Alberts! 

You might regret your abortions, but any couple who had a child to save their marriage will attest that a baby won’t complete you. Brangelina had 100 babies and look where they ended up? Back as just Brad and Angelina! Anyway, babies just shit and cry all the time. Half the women you’re lecturing would give their right arm if they could have left their screaming spawn on a clinic floor somewhere.

But you know what my biggest gripe with your self-pitying ode, lady? As you can see, I’ve done a bit of whoring myself. I’ve even had sex with an All Black. Try topping that. Because I didn’t – he needed a bottom and I was happy to oblige.

What I’m trying to say is that I’ve been to paradise, and I’ve also been to me. And you know what? I preferred paradise. Me was fine but you said it yourself, paradise has champagne and horny men. Sign me up as a life member.

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