The Entire World Should Get To Elect the US President

I am far more interested than a non-American should be in US politics. My home country of New Zealand has its own functioning democracy but I can’t muster nearly the same excitement for it as I do for the American edition.

Then again, I’m probably as interested in US politics as I should be because what happens in your country so often affects the rest of us. Here are 5 reasons the entire world – or at least those of us in democracies – should get to cast a vote for the President of the United States of America.

1. Your Leader Holds Unprecedented Military Power
When you elect a leader you’re deeply impacting the political climate of the world. Even most of your less hawkish Presidents have had no problem in bombing other nations back to the Stone Age and deposing governments they didn’t like. You know this, why else would you refer to your President as the “leader of the free world”?  With great power comes great responsibility so you’ll forgive us if we want to hold you to your responsibilities. You want to continue to wield that big stick? Then we get a say in who holds it.

We would not have given this man the nuclear codes.

We would not have given this man the nuclear codes.

2. Not To Mention The Other Ways You Control Us
We dance to your beat – literally since its your music that dominates our charts. Equally it’s your movies and television that fill our screens. And while we appreciate being introduced to Elvis, Meryl Streep and Breaking Bad, you’ve also forced those Kardashians upon us. You exported McDonalds, KFC and Burger King – and our obesity rates thank you. In a way this cultural conquering of our countries is a kind of taxation and every American knows there should be no taxation without representation.

3. Your Politicians Are So Much More Interesting Than Ours
Nobody does crazy like the USA and this is doubly true for your leaders – including would-be leaders. Donald Trump alone said more interesting things last week than the rest of the world’s leaders have uttered the beginning of time. The most exciting thing that happened in New Zealand politics last week? One of our senior government Members of Parliament was hit in the face by a flying dildo.


Okay, bad example, this is as interesting as it gets.

Leaving aside the rare tossed sex toy, international politics is a snoozefest compared to your circus. Your leaders have experienced assassinations, attempted assassinations, being forced to resign, and being caught having sex in the Oval Office. No wonder your Presidency has inspired great drama like The West Wing, Scandal and Olympus Has Fallen – you don’t need actual scripts you can just repeat what happens in real life.

4. It Would Help Democratize Your System
It’s a sad truth that most “free” elections these days are actually bought. Whoever has the most money gets to lead and nowhere is suffering the effects of big money in politics than the United States. If the entire world voted for your President it would put some of the democracy back in your system. It’s simply math – the amount of money needed to buy a worldwide election is beyond even those vampiric Koch Brothers. Plus many of your more odious lobbying tactics wouldn’t fly in other nations. Try robocalling in polite New Zealand and you’ll see why we look so scary when we do that haka thing.

5. Your President Is A Movie Star
This mainly applies to President Obama but some of your previous leaders also had a high “sexy as hell” rating – Bill Clinton as one example, Gerald Ford as another.

Unless, like me, you appreciate the glory that is Gerald Ford.

Would hit.

Some believe Canada’s Justin Trudeau has stolen Obama’s “Sexiest World Leader” crown but let’s be real, Trudeau looks like someone magically animated a store mannequin. No, compared to other world leaders your Mr Obama is a god and if we’re going to worship a deity we prefer a good looking one. New Zealand’s Prime Minister John Key has the kind of face a lizard person trying to pass as human would choose. The former Australian leader Tony Abbott is a dead ringer for Gollum in a toupee. You know how in the song MacArthur Park there’s a cake left out in the rain?  Germany’s Angela Merkel looks like that cake.

Not. An. Exaggeration.

Not. An. Exaggeration.

Of course, this brings up the fact that there isn’t a looker among the Republican and Democratic candidates so if we’re going to be voting for your next leader we’ll need some new contenders. Or maybe we’ll just vote in Obama again. Most nations don’t limit leaders to two terms like the US does. Sorry Barack, it looks like you just got co-opted for a third go-round. I’m sure the entirety of America will be just thrilled about that…

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