There’s a Cocksucker Born Every Minute

I’m fond of saying that I came out of the womb knowing how to suck cock. Yes, I believe there’s a gene for being good at oral sex. I never had to practice, it came easily – just like the boys I blew behind the bike sheds after school.

So it’s odd to me that it’s taken fifty years to get called a “cocksucker”. Well, not at a time that didn’t involve actual cock sucking.

Those born without the fellatio gene are bound to make mistakes…

Like many gay men, I’ve endured just about every slur homophobes hurl at gay men. “Poofter”, “fairy”, “bum-chum”, “tosser”, “poo-pusher”, “fag”, “faggot”, “dirty faggot”, “filthy faggot”, “queer”, “queen”, “girl-boy”, “tranny” – I’ve heard them all.

Sidenote: I was called “tranny” while on a bus in Wellington one Saturday night in August 1984 when a teenage girl, referencing my apparent feminity, said she “couldn’t tell whether it was a boy or a girl” so decided that “maybe it’s a tranny”. As you can tell, that didn’t affect me at all.

Additional sidenote: If I could travel back in time I would return to that moment and slap that girl until her face was nothing but piles of skin lying on the bus floor. And again, as you can see, I was totally unaffected by her cruelty. 

Where were we? Skin on the ground…mean girl…homophobe…me finally getting called a cocksucker!

Hey, does that mean I’ve filled my Gay Insult Bingo card? What do I win? A chance to go back in time and slap a homophobe until she’s nothing but a screaming skull? Well, that’s convenient!

In truth, I was called a “little cocksucker” and I have to admit, that statement is technically true. At just 5 foot 7 inches I am indeed shorter than the average human male, which makes me “little”. And I have been known to suck on men’s penises, which makes me a “cocksucker”. 

I googled “gay cocksucker” and this was on the first page of results. It’s so easy to make the names of Apple CEO’s dirty. Tim Cock. Steve Handjobs. The puns write themselves.

They say time heals all wounds, which is an utter lie. If it did I wouldn’t still want revenge on someone who abused me in a full bus back in August 1984. Yes, the bus was completely full! And at least a third of them laughed at me!

Time alone won’t make everything better, but it can render ineffective words that once were hurtful.

Witness the word “cocksucker”. At one point in time, let’s say August 1984,  it would have been among the worst possible things you could have called me. A man who sucked dicks? Nothing would have been more damning.

But these days? It makes me feel…bemused. And a little horny for cock.

The Oxford Dictionary might still regard “cocksucker” as a term of general abuse but I mostly wonder if it needs a hyphen or not. It doesn’t, of course. You don’t want anything to come between a cock and sucking, not even punctuation.

Homophobes think the word has bite, but bite is another thing cocksucking doesn’t, and shouldn’t, have.

Oh honey, nobody who’d wear a nightgown like that should be throwing stones.

You can hardly blame the haters. Fellatio still has a bad rap, even among millennials who are meant to be soooo much more open minded than we were. For example, in Future Husband, Meghan Trainor sings:

I’ll be sleeping on the left side of the bed
Open doors for me and you might get some…kisses
Don’t have a dirty mind
Just be a classy guy

And straight women wonder why their men are all over gay hookup apps… It’s just a damn penis, ladies. It’s no big deal if it’s goes in your mouth. 

And it’s no big deal admitting you like it being in your mouth.

Come on, Mike, you know you you want to…

So sorry, vile person who called me a “cocksucker”, you missed the mark. You’ll have to something else if you want to hurt me. Try suggesting that I don’t know the words to every Whitney Houston song. Now there’s an insult that stings!

In ONE MILLION DOMS Dominic Sheehan comments about political stuff. Yes, the title is a parody of One Million Moms. No, he technically doesn’t know the words to every Whitney Houstons song. But he knows the words to most of them. 

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