Turned This Gay – The Things That Made Me Into a Homosexual

After years of listening to hateful people tell me I wasn’t “born this way” I’ve come to conclusion that, actually, they’re right. Turns out I was actually “turned this gay” and here are the things that I’m certain queered me up.

The 1970s
As someone born in 1967 I place much of the blame for my current sexual orientation on my position in history. My fragile heterosexuality might have survived if I’d grown up in the buttoned-down 1950s. But it was doomed going up against the debauched bacchanalia that was the Me Decade. The 1970s were when homosexuals refused to stay hidden and as they swung the closet door open they let out all their gay germs, infecting the rest of us. This explains the assault of really gay things at that time, things like lava lamps, platform shoes, medallions on hairy chests, Frisbee, pet rocks and macramé. And flared trousers. Especially flared trousers.

Every one of these models was turned gay by this photo shoot.

Nothing that the 1970s produced was more gay than disco music. The thump-thump-thump of the disco beat was most likely a form of mass hypnosis, turning naïve straight listeners into raging fudge-packers. In 1978 I went to disco dancing lessons at the local hall. Yes, I was actually taught how to be gay!! But I did also learn how to do the Hustle so it wasn’t all bad.

Lee Majors, Tom Selleck and Pernell Roberts
Perhaps I could have survived the sexual onslaught of just one of them but with Lee and his unzipped red tracksuit in the 1970s and Tom’s moustache in the 1980s I really didn’t stand a chance. Plus, as a teen I saw actor Pernell “Trapper John MD” Roberts in a speedo on TV during one of the Battle of the Network Stars. That alone was probably responsible for 59% of my gayness.

Perhaps 99%.

Perhaps 99%.

Turns out Wertham was right, those things really did seduce my innocent mind! It was all the muscles, skintight costumes and ambiguous relationships. Superman and Batman were Super Friends but also possibly super-friends-with-benefits.

My parents
I don’t have any evidence that renders them guilty but judgmental types always blame the parents. Either they hugged me too much or too little. Or maybe it was the time they made me eat lima beans. The monsters!

Going to see the movie musical Xanadu
Studies have shown that 85% of young boys who went to see Xanadu when it first came out later came out themselves. The other 15% are just still in the closet.

Olivia's siren song was just too strong to resist.

Olivia’s siren song was just too strong to resist.

A school play where I had to wear a dress
I shouldn’t need to elaborate – I’ll save it for the gay conversion therapist.

The liberal, left-leaning, PC media
This goes without mentioning but I’m mentioning it because they were the ones who forced disco, super hero comics, Xanadu, Lee Majors, Tom Selleck and Pernell Roberts in his speedo upon me. Don’t imagine I’m exaggerating about Mr Roberts. There’s group for people turned gay by Pernell and his skimpy swimwear. There are so many of us our support meetings take place in an Olympic sized stadium.

Video Games
I played a lot of these growing up. I’m now gay. Draw your own conclusions!

I’m not sure how abortion made me gay but right-wingers always mention it in the same breath as homosexuality so they must be related somehow. Maybe when there’s an abortion it releases a gay-making toxin into the air? I’m no scientist but that sounds completely plausible.

Deep-seated childhood trauma
There’s no shortage of this with me so take your pick. Was it the time I fell down a well? Or when I went to that sleepover and everybody compared penises? Or when Russell McDonald stole my lunchbox and threw it on the school roof? Or when my brother and I saw the bloated body of a dead cow beside a river? That thing looked like a balloon! We threw rocks at it and it exploded and then some eels came and ate all the guts that had spilled into the water. And although the eels looked scary they were also beautiful. And eels kind of look like penises. My god, that’s the exact moment I became gay! I can’t wait to share that with my Pernell Roberts In A Speedo support group!

In ONE MILLION DOMS Dominic Sheehan comments about life and political stuff. Yes, the title is a parody of One Million Moms. Yes, this entire piece is parody. Except for the stuff about Pernell Roberts and his speedo. No, Dominic doesn’t think seeing Pernell Roberts mostly naked and all hairy made him gay – but it certainly made him gay-er

Be the first to comment on "Turned This Gay – The Things That Made Me Into a Homosexual"

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.