A study in 2017 examined what straight people like most about the opposite sex.
Doctors from Geneva University Hospitals asked male and female volunteers to look at 120 photographs of people in swimsuits – and to rate those of the opposite sex for sexual desire.
First of all, I wouldn’t believe anything the Swiss tell you. They’ve failed to show up to any war ever and didn’t give women the vote until 1971! No, I am not joking. Also their Eurovision entries are always horrible.
Second, why is anyone still studying the sexual proclivities of heterosexuals? Surely we know everything there is to know about this subject by now. Mars, Venus, missionary position, babies sometimes, occasionally some abortions, the end.
It turns out heterosexual men like breasts, because of course. And heterosexual women like abdomens, because of course.
Unsurprisingly, nobody bothered to ask men what they like in a man. So we did. Then we posited what liking that favourite body part says about you. Because that way we get to say funny stuff about it.
You like your men to be honest and caring. Or you like to eat eyes. Maybe both.
You watched a lot of Clutch Cargo as a child.
If you like hairy chests then I bet you loved the main picture in this article. Far better than the one they used to illustrate that stupid study.
And yes, I intentionally chose a hairy older man with wet fur. Because hairy older men with wet fur.
You admire strength. Or you’re looking for someone to help you move a sideboard.
Congratulations, you are a heterosexual woman.
You’re in luck – all those straight men getting rejected by women for not having six-packs need to get BJs from somewhere…
You are a sex-crazed maniac who wants cock as many times a day as possible. In other words, this is confirmation you are a homosexual man.
You like anal sex. Seriously, this isn’t rocket science.
You watched a lot of rugby as a child.
You are a podophiliac. But you already knew that, along with all the best foot fetish websites…