WINNER – Mike Pence
Jumping into bed with Trump was a risk but Pence’s gamble hit the jackpot. Even if Trump lost Pence did enough during the campaign to convince voters he was a lock for the Republican nomination in 2020. Instead of waiting another four years he’s now a heartbeat away from the top job – and everybody knows Trump’s heart is only one more bucket of KFC away from exploding.
LOSER – Chris Christie
Three years ago Christie was a frontrunner for the Republican nomination. But that was before Bridgegate, before poor primary performances, before a cowed Christie swung in behind Trump. Christie didn’t get the VP job and now he has been frozen out of any reward, thanks to Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner, revenge for Christie putting Kushner’s crooked father in jail. Turns out everybody really does hate Chris.
WINNER – Samantha Bee, Stephen Colbert, Trevor Noah, John Oliver and Seth Myers
The US primaries and election provided late-night’s political-leaning hosts with a plethora of material and they did not disappoint. Myers and Colbert showed that you can host a fairly traditional type of talk show and still deliver stinging political commentary while Bee, Oliver and Noah were able to capitalize on Trump’s war on women, immigrants and people of color in very personal ways. The future isn’t bright but we can expect these folks to throw the shade
LOSER – Jimmy Fallon
Fallon treated Trump to a soft-ball interview complete with hair mussing. In acting like Trump was just another guest Fallon was a key contributor to the normalization of this abnormal candidate. Fallon might have thought he was being apolitical but instead he was a high profile media patsy for the Trump team.
WINNER – People Who Voted
Only 55% of eligible Americans voted. But given the unpopularity of both candidates and the awfulness of the entire election I’m surprised it’s that high.
LOSER – White Women Who Voted For Trump
Congratulations, right wing white women – 53% of you voted for a President who is a self-confessed, unrepentant rapist. Right wing men already hated you and now so do the rest of us.
WINNER – Everybody Trump Insulted
Trump won by stoking racism, misogny, homophobia, transphobia and anti-Muslim sentiment. Awful straight white people keep saying ‘we won, you lost’ but it’s not that simple. We minorities are used to being downtrodden, having no rights and being treated like garbage. Obama gave us a taste of a post-hate world and we liked it. We’ll fight to keep it and if there’s one thing we know how to do it’s fight. You just energised a movement.
LOSER – White Supremacists, Homophobes, Misogynists
You hateful people think your time has come, right? You’re thinking you have the rest of us in the corner. Ever seen a cornered animal fight back all crazy because it had nothing to lose? Yeah, that.
WINNER – Fake News
No, Hillary is not a lesbian hermaphrodite hiding under your bed so she can steal your guns and use them to abort babies.
LOSER – American Democracy
Thanks to corporate influence, gerrymandering, and voter suppression the American electoral system was already seriously compromised. But now it should probably stop referring to itself as ‘democracy’. ‘Demon-ocracy’? Yeah, that might work.
WINNER – Ivanka Trump
It looks like America got its first female President after all.
LOSER – Ivanka Trump
The Right didn’t want a female President.
WINNER – The Rainbow Flag
When Donald Trump held up a rainbow flag it could have forever ruined it for the rest of us. Fortunately he held it upside down.
LOSER – The Colour Orange.
Sorry, orange. You’ll now forever be associated with the very worst that humanity has to offer. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
WINNER – Hillary Clinton
The key problem with Clinton’s campaign is that it felt inevitable at a time when America was looking for something different. But in a couple of months she’ll probably be glad she lost the race. Instead of battling with recalcitrant Republicans and getting called “cunt” 2,045 times online every day she’s now free to turn her attention to some very lucky cause.
LOSER – Donald Trump
Trump wanted to use America like she was a teenage beauty show contestant. He thought he could lure her into a dark corner, stick his tongue down her throat, then run off back to his normal life. Instead America decided she enjoyed getting being treated like dirt and now she’s glued to his side for the next four years, watching his every move. She stoked his ego for a while but the honeymoon will she short. She’ll come to hate him and his family. Also, she has gonorrhea. Enjoy your presidency, Mr Trump. You deserve every hellish moment of it.
In ONE MILLION DOMS Dominic Sheehan comments about political stuff. Yes, the title is a parody of One Million Moms. Yes, he thinks the election of Trump was part of softening up the world for a wave of Fascism. No, that’s not being overly-dramatic.